Weekly Roundup: US Judge Unseals Jeffrey Epstein’s Purported Suicide Note | The Daily Show

Added: 2026-05-10

[00:00:00]Ladies and gentlemen, obviously the big news continues to be our situationship with Iran. Is it a war? Is it a ceasefire? Are we friends with bomafits?

[00:00:09]I don't know.

[00:00:11]Because, as you know, Friday marked the expiration of the 60-day free trial period presidents get to do wars. After 60 days, the president must ask Congress, who then decides, "Are we subscribing?

[00:00:30]or are we just going to use Israel's password?

[00:00:38]So, as you CAN so as you can imagine, it's going to be big news when Trump asks for official permission. Trump signaling he will not seek official permission from Congress to extend the war with Iran. What?

[00:01:06]He's not going to seek official permission.

[00:01:09]I was kind of under the impression THAT THAT'S NOT HIS CHOICE.

[00:01:14]That it would be I don't know illegal.

[00:01:18]Then I remember Donald Trump doesn't give a about legality or any accountability that may occur from said illegality.

[00:01:30]So much so that he felt confident confessing to said illegality in a speech in Florida on the day he was supposed to attain congressional approval.

[00:01:42]>> What they call a military operation. You know, they don't like the word war and they call it a military operation because that way you don't have a war, you don't have legal problems.

[00:02:02]You almost you you almost have to admire the brazeness of a president just casually explaining just the thing how to get around our pesky uh uh laws.

[00:02:13]It's just not a care in the world. IT'S LIKE GOING UP TO A MCDONALD'S CASHIER.

[00:02:16]YEAH, I'm gonna get a cup of water. Uh, well, I say water. I It's because I don't like to use the word soda.

[00:02:25]If I say water, I get it for free. But to be clear, I will be drinking soda.

[00:02:31]But my plan is to use the word water to avoid any what you call payment problems.

[00:02:38]Of course, Trump's plan only works if he has the discipline to maintain his assertion that we are in fact not in a war.

[00:02:49]>> You know, we're in a war.

[00:03:04]SAME DAY, SAME PODIUM. Here's how I get around being a war. We're in a war. He's just sitting there. He It's like he's just looking the CASHIER IN THE EYE, FILLING UP HIS CUP WITH SODA.

[00:03:18]I'm just going to get a little Mountain Dew, little Pepsi, little I don't know what the root beer ONE IS. LITTLE MOUNTAIN DEW, LITTLE PEPSI, LITTLE BARKS, little high sea. I'M GOING AROUND THEING WORLD.

[00:03:33]And by the way, it's all purposeful.

[00:03:35]These are not mistakes. These are the mockations of genius. He'll tell you himself as he did this weekend.

[00:03:40]>> I'm the only president to take a cognitive test. You know, the first question is very easy. It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a shark. They say, "Which one is the bear?

[00:04:04]You're the only president to take the cognitive test. Let me ask you a question.

[00:04:10]Why do you think that is?

[00:04:14]I don't know.

[00:04:18]Why do you think that you're THE ONLY PRESIDENT THAT THAT HAPPENS TO? that for some reason every time you go to the doctor, which is a lot, the doctor is always like, "Hey, while you're here, if you could come over here and just explain very quickly, which one of these is the bad?"

[00:04:45]But I I interrupted I interrupted. Let's hear more about this totally believable test you keep acing. They say take a number, any number. Okay, I'll take 99.

[00:04:55]Multiply times 9. Okay. Divide it by three. Good. Add 4,293.

[00:05:01]That's good. Divide by two. Subtract 93.

[00:05:07]Divide by 9. There aren't a lot of people that get it right. I got it right.

[00:05:23]The the answer was a bear.

[00:05:27]BUT NO, NO, IT LET ME NOT BE DISMISSIVE.

[00:05:30]NO, Trump is a regular Stephven Hawking.

[00:05:34]That's what it is. Although I thought the only thing they had in common was being in the Epstein files. But the important Oh, I apologize. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. too soon or or or should I say too soon.

[00:05:54]And by the way, the wild thing is Trump seems to be almost getting smarter with age because this is how he handled math questions 20 years ago on the Howard Stern show.

[00:06:04]>> All right, I'm going to ask you a tough question. Wharton School of Business.

[00:06:06]>> Yes.

[00:06:07]>> What's 17* 6?

[00:06:10]>> Come on. Ah, what is he doing?

[00:06:13]>> See, that's not a practical >> 96 wrong.

[00:06:16]>> 94 wrong.

[00:06:17]>> That's not a practical application though.

[00:06:19]>> Ivanka 17* 16. It's 11. It's 1112.

[00:06:26]>> 112 isn't a real number.

[00:06:30]That's two numbers just placed side by side.

[00:06:35]Guess it's the 2000's equivalent of 67.

[00:06:40]That's how it >> So, so I apologize. I know you're a genius. Try again.

[00:06:46]>> 112.

[00:06:47]>> 112.

[00:06:48]>> It is 112.

[00:06:48]>> 112.

[00:06:50]>> Yeah. So, that is a number. But it's still wrong.

[00:06:55]It's 102. BUT SOMEHOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT 20 YEARS LATER, YOU'VE TURNED into a GENIUS. YOU TURNED INTO A WORKINGASS JANITOR at MIT solving quadratics between mopping up. You know, I can't believe they ever gave Trump the FIFA math prize.

[00:07:17]So, see, Trump is a special genius that sees himself above all traditional presidential limitations. He's not bound by our petty checks and balances and separations of powers. He has ignored 31 lower court decisions, not including 250 more rulings in immigration cases. He's festoned the people's house with trappings of a Versailles themed bar mitzvah. He has built a Kim Jong-unesque giant gold statue of himself at his Dorado golf course. He's going to be on ouring passports. our passport. Whenever you go abroad, WHENEVER YOU TRAVEL OVERSEAS, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL A customs officer, "I don't know him."

[00:08:11]>> How out of control are Trump's royal ambitions? so bad that last week an actual king born of the lineage of kings we fought to establish our constitutional republic had to come back here to remind us to wake the f up.

[00:08:28]>> I come here today with the highest respect for the United States Congress.

[00:08:35]This citadel of democracy created to represent the voice of all American people to advance sacred rights and freedoms.

[00:08:45]Oh No you didn't.

[00:08:48]OH KING CHARLES COMING IN HOT.

[00:08:58]FIRING ON ALL. WHAT'S THE BRITISH word for cylinders? I don't I don't but you heard him. And then Charles did us dirty with a list of all the hard-fought constitutional principles we are squandering.

[00:09:10]>> The principle that executive power is subject to checks and balances. The rule of law, the certainty of stable and accessible rules, an independent judiciary, delivering uh impartial justice. Let our two countries rededicate ourselves.

[00:09:28]>> All right. All right.

[00:09:31]It was all very powerful until you hit the rededicate the separation of powers. The we must rededicate.

[00:09:42]YOU HEARD THE KING. HE'S JUST A boy standing in front of a Congress asking it to REDEDICATE itself to the principles of constitutional checks and balances. But Congress won't Congress won't do that because they suck. little government even means to any of them. This is who was designated survivor, who would be tasked with rebuilding our nation if the worst had actually happened at that White House correspondents dinner. The person who would have theoretically taken over control of the United States government as president of the United States if something would have happened to everybody in that room would have been Senator Chuck Grassley who was in his 90s.

[00:10:29]That was the designated survivor who will lead our country into the future.

[00:10:33]THE GUY WHO WILL LEAD OUR COUNTRY INTO THE FUTURE. Statistically doesn't have much of one.

[00:10:41]Like actuarial tables wise, he would not be expected to survive an uneventful evening.

[00:10:54]I'm sorry.

[00:10:56]Too soon.

[00:10:59]And by the way, if you're hoping that our judiciary will step up and be the guardrail against Trump's kingly ambitions, watch a bunch of nominees for confirmation to our federal court system refuse to do so.

[00:11:11]>> Uh, Mr. Mark, if I might, um, just tell me about the 22nd Amendment. What does it provide?

[00:11:16]>> I haven't had an opportunity to to use that one specifically.

[00:11:20]>> It states no person shall be elected to the office of the president more than twice. Mr. Mark, is President Trump eligible to run for president again in 2028?

[00:11:31]>> Senator, with a without considering all the facts and and looking at everything depending on what the situation is, this to me strikes as more of a hypothetical.

[00:11:40]>> Is he eligible to run for a third term under our constitution?

[00:11:44]>> Um, I would have to to review.

[00:11:47]>> Review what?

[00:11:50]>> You're allowed two. He said two. That means you can't have three. Do you really have to do the math on that PERSON TRYING TO BE CONFIRMED to the United States judicial system? Is the answer 1112? Is that what you're looking at? It's What do you have to review?

[00:12:06]It's It's not a trick.

[00:12:12]>> Anybody else brave enough to say that the Constitution of the United States prevents President Trump from seeking a third term?

[00:12:18]Anybody willing to apply the Constitution by its plain language in the 22nd amendment?

[00:12:26]>> Nobody.

[00:12:28]All right, let's move on.

[00:12:31]>> Are you happy?

[00:12:33]>> You broke his heart.

[00:12:37]The Congress isn't coming to save us.

[00:12:39]The judiciary isn't coming to save us.

[00:12:42]The voters are being gerrymandered out of being able to save us. We've only got one last card to play. Our beautiful fourth estate. Democracy dies in darkness. So we look to the free press, the newsies, the inkstained wretches, THE MASTERS OF MUCK RAKE, THE CLICKETITY CLACK BRIGADE, TAPPERS RAPPERS, WOLF BLITZERS, TITTY TWISTERS.

[00:13:06]We the people depend on the news media to bring the tough questions that hold the politicians accountable.

[00:13:16]warning this week that uh because of all the firepower required for epic fury that there are people in the White House who are starting to worry about our inventory of bombs and missiles. Are you worried?

[00:13:27]>> It's a solid question. The New York Times just discovered that since the war began, the United States has burned through half its long range missiles, plus a thousand Tomahawk missiles, which is nearly 10 times more than we buy each year, plus thousands more of pretty much every other type of missile that we have. Experts are getting worried we're depleting our stock piles. So, Mr. President, are we running out of weapons?

[00:13:47]>> No. No. We have more than we've ever had out there because all over the world, we have inventory and we can take that if we need it. Right now, we have more than double what we had when this started.

[00:14:10]That sounds like Or or no, I'm wrong. Or is it perhaps magic?

[00:14:25]What you're saying is in the beginning of the war, we had only this one ball and then we spent a month using that ball. We used it to bomb every place in Iran we could think of. And now at the end of that time we find ourselves.

[00:14:48]Hold on here. Where is that? Wait. Wait.

[00:14:56]HOLD ON. WE HAD ONE BALL. REMEMBER THE PREMISE?

[00:15:01]ONE BALL. AND WE USE THE BALL TO BOMB IRAN. AND NOW apparently we have two balls.

[00:15:09]Now, very clearly, this makes no sense.

[00:15:12]IT'S NONSENSICAL ON ITS FACE. And the reporters have all the specific reporting to back that up. The follow-ups to this nonsense are going to be brutal.

[00:15:21]>> The G7 is in France in June. Will you go to it?

[00:15:24]>> Probably.

[00:15:25]>> NO.

[00:15:27]Just the question should just be this.

[00:15:29]What the did you just say?

[00:15:32]I genuinely don't understand what this country is becoming when every one of our institutions are failing us. Is there any hope for the liberal democracy that has inspired the world for these past 250 years? Is there anyone who can recall the lessons of our American revolution and inspire this nation to return to its founding principles in this our 250th year? Let our two countries rededicate ourselves.

[00:16:02]>> If the strongest defender of American democracy is the king of England, we are really >> This year's Met Gala finds itself steeped in turmoil. Why? Because the honorary chairs are billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife Lauren Sanchez. Look at the message projected last night on a building in New York City. Boycott the Basos Met Gallao.

[00:16:28]Yeah, get his ass.

[00:16:31]Yes, I fully support this message.

[00:16:34]Although, I don't know if the people living in that building do.

[00:16:38]Sorry, can you just take it down a notch? Your activism is getting in my eyes. Where did they even find a projector that big? Well, probably Amazon. They have they have the best Prime Day deals. Oh, no. No, no, NO.

[00:16:53]DESI, REMEMBER BOYCOTT. BOYCOTT. NOW, without pointing fingers, this entire situation is President Trump's fault.

[00:16:59]So, he needs to reassure people that he has a plan to fix the economy. And fortunately, he had the chance yesterday when he hosted a small business summit.

[00:17:09]These are the men and women on the economic front lines. Donald Trump, give them the reassurance they need. Anybody running for president or vice president should take a cognitive test. So, I've taken three. No president, think of this, has ever taken one.

[00:17:27]Kind of a weird flex.

[00:17:30]It's like bragging about being the only kid in school who gets a special helper.

[00:17:42]This is not a test to see how smart you are. It's to check if your brain is functioning which Trump should understand based on the questions.

[00:17:49]>> The first question is very easy and they always show the first question is you have a lion, a bear, an alligator and a what's another good a squirrel? Okay, which is the squirrel?

[00:18:06]>> I am so glad that we have a president who can differentiate between an alligator and a squirrel.

[00:18:12]Unlike President Coolage, God rest his soul.

[00:18:18]But Trump's struggling to remember all the animals isn't a surprise. In fact, maybe that should be the cognitive test.

[00:18:24]>> You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a what's another good a squirrel.

[00:18:31]Okay. Which is the squirrel?

[00:18:34]>> You have a lion, a giraffe, a whale, and a shark. And they'll say, "Which one's the lion?" It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a shark. They say, "Which one is the bear?"

[00:18:46]>> A tiger, an elephant, a giraffe, a giraffe, a tiger, a this or that, a whale, a giraffe, a fish, and a hippopotamus. Right.

[00:19:01]>> At this point, I'm not even sure there was even a test. I feel like there's I feel like there's a good chance the president was just watching Zootopia.

[00:19:10]You know what? Maybe small business owners aren't the best audience for Donald Trump's animal facts. Is there an audience that's closer to his intellectual level?

[00:19:19]>> President Trump hosted a group of children at the White House today for an event promoting physical fitness.

[00:19:25]>> Ah, there we go. That's more your speed.

[00:19:28]Now you can talk about animals until your heart's content.

[00:19:31]>> The power of a nuclear weapon is something I don't even want to talk about. You can't let Iran have a nuclear weapon. You might be too young for this.

[00:19:42]>> No, they're not too young. I'm sure they've already seen the Paw Patrol episode where they drop a ballistic missile on Humdinger.

[00:19:53]How are you talking about nuclear war in front of children? You kids have seen Oppenheimer, right? Florence Pew. Her titties were out for 10 minutes and he became death destroyer of all worlds. So true. So true.

[00:20:07]Honestly, if there was ever an event where it was important to stick to the topic at hand, it's the one where you're surrounded by small children. You understand that, right?

[00:20:16]>> It was a rigged election. Barack Hussein Obama, have you heard of him? Open borders, letting anybody come in from the Congo, from countries all over the world. They came in from prisons and mental institutions. He can put on weight like up and down like a yo-yo, and he doesn't take the shot. Okay. We just hit records at on the Dow. I reached 50 in the first year and then I reached 7,000. When you have transgender mutilization, don't listen to this kids. And then all of a sudden, a woman dropped dead with a bullet right there.

[00:20:56]>> Hi, Mom.

[00:20:58]Can you pick me up from THE WHITE HOUSE?

[00:21:10]THE president is trauma dumping on me again.

[00:21:14]So when Trump's talking to a room full of adults, he sounds like a child. When he's talking to a room full of children, he sounds like Pennywise. He's not he's not exactly the one you want taking care of your kids. Although in this country, we might not have a choice.

[00:21:30]Are you struggling to find child care in a country that can't provide it? The >> United States can't take care of daycare. We're fighting wars with We can't take care of daycare.

[00:21:39]>> Then you'll love Donny's Daycare, a daycare center personally run by President Donald Trump. Child care is his thing.

[00:21:46]>> Have you ever done the whole kid thing?

[00:21:48]Change the diaper and all that?

[00:21:49]>> I've never been into it. You know, it's never been my thing.

[00:21:52]>> It's not totally his thing, but he'll teach your kids important life skills like fairness. I thought I'd easily win the election, which by the way I did.

[00:22:00]And unfortunately, bad things happened.

[00:22:02]It was a rigged election.

[00:22:04]>> They'll be engaged with arts and crafts.

[00:22:06]>> You know, by he was incapable of signing things. So they'd follow him around with this big machine. You know what it was called? An auto path.

[00:22:13]>> Then it's nap time.

[00:22:16]Then a story circle.

[00:22:18]>> A woman dropped dead with a bullet right there.

[00:22:21]>> And look, a visit from Uncle Bobby. 77% of our children cannot qualify for military service.

[00:22:28]>> You said it, Uncle. Then time for another nap. At Donnie Daycare, kids learn how to handle conflict.

[00:22:35]>> You think you can take me and fight?

[00:22:37]>> They'll learn self-esteem.

[00:22:38]>> So, you have no weight problems. That's the good news, right?

[00:22:41]>> And they'll learn nap. So, bring your kids to Donniey's daycare. They'll love the fun and games.

[00:22:46]>> They don't like playing the games with us. They don't like it at all. You'll see that. We are now in week nine of our four-week war with Iran, and it hasn't been going great.

[00:22:58]But this morning, there was some unquestionably good news for anyone insider trading the oil markets.

[00:23:04]>> And we do have breaking news this morning. White House officials believe, quote, "The US and Iran are closing in on a one-page memo to end the war."

[00:23:17]>> I'm sorry, a onepage memo. How can Trump end a war with less paperwork than it took me to end my Planet Fitness membership?

[00:23:26]Whoever wrote that memo, can you please organize all bachelorette trips? Can we actually um can we see a copy of this memo?

[00:23:38]I I don't know. I don't know. I mean, is that really him?

[00:23:49]Yes. Okay, that's him. That's definitely him. Now, obviously, this is far from a done deal since Iran does not seem to trust Donald Trump. Some say that's because Trump famously never honors his agreements. While others say, "Yep, that's it." What the first guy said, Secretary of State Marco Rubio has a more sophisticated explanation.

[00:24:09]>> The times come for Iran to make a sensible choice. And it's not easy for them to do that obviously because the top people in that government are to say the least um you know um they're insane in the brain.

[00:24:23]>> Really, Marco? A little inappropriate to be quoting old rap lyrics while you're talking about war. I mean, you imagine your doctor telling you, "If you're looking for the tumor on this scan, whoop, there it is."

[00:24:39]I'm afraid it's actually spread from the windows to the walls.

[00:24:44]The sweat dropped down my but if you've been watching Marco Rubio for a long time, first of all, what is wrong with you? And second, you know that this is kind of his thing.

[00:24:56]>> Every day the Department of War lets the drummer get wicked over every portion of Iran. They should check themselves before they wreck themselves. If you don't know, now you know. We are dealing with people over there that have spent most their lives living in a gangster paradise.

[00:25:13]>> I'm sorry. We're getting breaking news that rap is no longer cool. Let's kick things off with someone who was definitely in the Epstein files. Jeffrey Epstein.

[00:25:22]We've seen millions of his texts and emails already, but there was one very important document we hadn't seen until now.

[00:25:29]>> Breaking news tonight. A judge has released what is said to be a suicide note written by the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye. What you want me to do? Bust out crying. No fun. Not worth it.

[00:25:51]No fun. Not worth it. His last words were the same words I said when I bailed on the new season of Landman.

[00:26:00]Just kidding. All 437 Taylor Sheridan shows are equally excellent and available now on Paramount Plus.

[00:26:08]But let's move on because this weekend is Mother's Day, the day we celebrate all the incredible women who pee a little when they sneeze too hard.

[00:26:17]Trump marked the occasion with an event honoring military moms, or as he calls them, military mils. And I assume he showed them the love and respect they deserve. We're also honored to be joined by a military mother who sacrificed far more than most. That's Melody Wolf. And uh you know, I love the name Melody because for a long time, you know, they have spell correct and word correct on these crazy machines that we use to put out truths or they used to be called tweets.

[00:26:51]>> Uh >> oh, look out. He's leaving.

[00:26:53]Every time I wrote Melania, it would correct to melody.

[00:27:00]So I'd do thing and I work very fast.

[00:27:03]Very fast.

[00:27:08]Well, now I know what I'm not getting for Mother's Day. Horny ever again.

[00:27:14]I think we just experienced the last thing a Big Mac sees right before the lights go out.

[00:27:20]But don't worry, Trump turned off his autocorrect. Just kidding. He did this.

[00:27:24]>> I didn't know about that little feature, but I got that corrected eventually. You know who corrected? The military.

[00:27:32]>> I'm sorry. The military had to fix your autocorrect problem.

[00:27:37]Trump heard he had to go to his phone's general settings. And he was like, "Okay, THEN GET ME GENERAL SETTINGS. CAN YOU PLEASE stop with your weird stories?" You see uh drug traffic coming into our countries way down and by sea by sea by ocean by the water. You know a lot of people say what do you mean by sea? Is it sea like vision? No it's the sea.

[00:28:01]>> What?

[00:28:03]No one has ever been confused by that phrase. If you if you say by sea, it's obvious that sea means ocean and by means bisexual. I mean at least until it graduated.

[00:28:15]Look, anyone who watches this speech must be questioning if this man should be president. Inflation is rising.

[00:28:21]Corruption is through the roof. We are losing a war he shouldn't have started.

[00:28:25]And he's spending his days rambling about autocorrect and building a ballroom for himself and Melody.

[00:28:31]Sure.

[00:28:33]Surely at this point he's got to be losing support among Republicans.

[00:28:37]>> There's this myth that's going on right now that, oh, Trump is really losing support among Republicans. But compared to other midterm cycles, he's just as popular with Republicans as he has ever been.

[00:28:50]>> Face is still sticking with him after everything. Look, I know it's hard to admit you're wrong. Take it from me. The creator of the Facebook group Jared Fogle would make the most awesome babysitter.

[00:29:04]But at this point, you got to cut your losses. I mean, what is it? Do you have a humiliation kink or something? This polling to me jumped out at me. They asked Republicans who would win in a physical fight with Trump. Would you be able to beat up Donald Trump or would he beat you up? 39% of Republicans said Trump would beat me up.

[00:29:24]So, you have a humiliation kink. But you really think you'd lose a fight to an 80year-old man? I mean, come on, Republicans. Believe in yourself.

[00:29:32]Where's that storming the capital confidence?