Complex Personality Disorder | PoTTziLLa – The Face I Couldn’t Keep

[00:00:08]This song is based on my own experience with complex personality disorder patterns, NO FIXED FACE.

[00:00:17]>> [laughter] >> I AM NOT SPEAKING FOR EVERYBODY.

[00:00:22]In some places they write it down like a code, but I am not here to rap a medical file.

[00:00:29]I'm talking about what it did to me, unstable self-worth, no fixed sense of who I am, emotional extremes, fear of being judged, survival patterns that once protected me, >> [laughter] >> then started cutting through my life.

[00:00:50]>> [music] >> No fixed [music] face in the brain, just a name I change. New room, new role, no mask in place.

[00:01:03]Childhood home like a broken suitcase, [music] everywhere sent. Never safe in space.

[00:01:08]Group home nights, [music] street cold nights, wrong place, wrong tone, WRONG LETTER FIGHT, LEARN THE ROOM BEFORE I learn life, learn to survive, not to feel all right. I >> [music] >> copy the air just to breathe in the building. Smile when the silence felt close to killing. Change my shape to the shape when missing. [music] Now I ask WHO I AM, AND THE answer keeps shifting.

[00:01:29]There is no PILLAR, NO FOUNDATION JUST PIECES THAT CHANGE [music] WHEN PRESSURE gets in there. Not fake by choice, not acting for cheers, more like a mirror cracked over the years. I learned the room, but never learned learned how to not how to be free. It was all like defense when I tried to explain it is because nobody listen before the blame.

[00:01:50]No fixed face, no stable [music] name, just a HEART REBUILT FROM DIRT and shame. I learned to survive, I to change, but never learned how to stay the same.

[00:02:01]>> [music] >> I'm a wisp of skin made of glass. Old survival keeps biting up past. If I burn what I love, IT IS NOT PRIDE, it is pain. A scarecrow pattern wearing [music] my face again.

[00:02:12]They called me trouble before, they called me hurt. Saw blood on my shirt.

[00:02:15]Never asked what came [music] first. Saw rage in my hands, not the dirt in the wound. Saw the blast, not [music] the years in the fuse. School made a monster, home made the case. Bullies play victim with a clean little face.

[00:02:27]>> [music] >> Teachers saw anger and called it disgrace. Nobody translated the [singing] fear in my rage.

[00:02:33]Came home late, got hit again. Can't trust you, bastard. Where the hell you been? Clothes torn up, but the story stayed [music] thin. Every adult in [singing] the room had somebody to blame but him. School blamed home, [music] home blamed school. Drunk mouth shoving saying, "More rules." System stepping like, "This kid is too difficult." Seven years stored in a file [music] marked criminal. And somewhere in that rubble, fighting violence, a child learns silence, compliance, defiance, riot, [music] denial, survival science. Heart full of sirens, face full of silence.

[00:03:03][music] I learned every room, but never learned me. Learned that I've been not how to be free. If I sound like the vents when I try to explain it, it is because nobody listened before the blame.

[00:03:15]No [music] fixed face, no stable name.

[00:03:17]Just a heart rebuilt from guilt and shame. [music] I learned to survive, I learned to change, but never learned how to stay [music] the same.

[00:03:25]I'm a wisp of skin made of glass. Old survival [music] keeps biting up past.

[00:03:30]If I burn what I love, it is not pride, it is pain. A [music] scarecrow pattern wearing my face again. I am not here to wash my hands clean. I know I made damage, I know [music] what I mean.

[00:03:40]Impulse hit fast in the aftermath.

[00:03:43]Screamed hurt people I loved in a body [music] I could not leave. That is not an excuse, that is not a crown, that is a tooth I still carry around. Saying [music] I was sick does bring pain down, but knowing in pattern is where change can be [music] found. Addictions, decisions, collisions, revisions. Old drugs, [singing] old drinks, self-made prisons. Body pushed [music] past all human limits. Then I shame myself for not breaking different. I do not always cut skin, sometimes I cut futures. Ruin good [music] things with invisible sutures. Climb to the light and the shadow pulls ladders like something inside says, "You do not deserve better."

[00:04:20]Three times I built from the dirt to [music] the door. Home, license, love, money, job, more. From the ground gave up [music] like I did before. Back to minus under with a broken score.

[00:04:30]Workplace friction, justice addiction.

[00:04:33]Watching the world like a product [music] of contradictions. Every unfair move became a new affliction. My sense of justice turned into a sickness. I wanted truth, [music] but truths kept bleeding. Wanted peace, but the whole world's cheating. Wanted [music] one day without old wounds speaking. One clean breath without memory leaking. Cut grass, melt [music] sirens, and light bends. Simple things drag me back again.

[00:04:57]What you feel normal gets deep in the end. Childhood knocking through the present tense.

[00:05:04]Complex personality patterns do not mean someone is evil.

[00:05:09]For me, it means I learned unstable ways to survive unstable places.

[00:05:15]>> [music] >> It means I can want love and still protect myself from it.

[00:05:18]>> [laughter] >> It means I can crave understanding and still sound like [music] I am defending myself.

[00:05:25]It means the armor saved me once, then kept attacking my life. No fixed face, no stable [music] name. Just a heart rebuilt from guilt and shame. I learned to survive, I learned to change, but [music] never learned how to stay the same. Armor with thick skin made of glass. Old survival, [music] keep biting the past. If I burn what I love, it is not pride, it is pain.

[00:05:49]>> My scared old patterns wearing [music] my face again.

[00:05:52]>> But now you're not only [singing] the wreckage I made, not only the files, [music] the cells, the blame. I name what has ruined my brain. I can build from the ruins without calling them fate.

[00:06:03]>> I never wanted gold.

[00:06:06]I wanted somewhere safe to go.

[00:06:08]Someone to ask what happened before deciding what I WAS.

[00:06:12]>> I CANNOT REWRITE the child [music] I WAS. I CANNOT UNDO EVERY WRONG TURN, but I can stop letting the old patterns speak alone.

[00:06:21]>> Every song is one more piece [music] of a self I am still learning to hold.

[00:06:30]>> [music] [music and singing]