Dr. Becky & Kenan Thompson React to Things Kids Do That Drive Parents Crazy

[00:00:00]Shut up.

[00:00:01]>> Absolutely not.

[00:00:02]>> Gross.

[00:00:03]>> What I say goes.

[00:00:05]>> I hate you.

[00:00:06]>> Well, that's awful.

[00:00:07]>> Let's be honest. Some parenting moments barely register, and some send your nervous system through the roof. I am here with SNL's Kenan Thompson, who by all accounts, I think is one of the calmer people in the room. So, I'm putting this theory to the test. We are going to do Kenan's trigger meter. So, I'm going to give him real-life parenting moments, and he's going to rate them from smile to anger in terms of how much they shake him. And then we'll talk about what's really going on in one of those moments, and get a little more serious about what helps all of us stay a little steadier inside them. Ready for the game?

[00:00:41]>> I like this. Yes, absolutely.

[00:00:43]>> Situation one. Says, "Ew, gross." To what you feed them.

[00:00:48]You cook this meal.

[00:00:49]>> Yeah.

[00:00:49]>> You prepped it.

[00:00:51]>> Long day. "Ew, gross." Dad.

[00:00:53]>> you try not to get angry. It's just kind of up in here because I mean well.

[00:00:58]>> [laughter] >> Okay.

[00:01:01]Sneaks a device late at night.

[00:01:03]>> Mhm.

[00:01:05]That's going to happen, especially in in these days, but it's not my favorite, so I'm going to put it there. But, it doesn't like overly bother me until it manifests and I didn't do my homework or like I'm super tired the next day.

[00:01:18]>> Yeah, definitely.

[00:01:19]>> Okay.

[00:01:19]>> Maybe let's scooch it. Scooch it a little. We'll scooch it there.

[00:01:23]>> going to be honest. I like it. Okay.

[00:01:24]This might have been more when your kids were younger.

[00:01:26]>> Mhm.

[00:01:26]>> You got a call from school. They hit a kid on the playground at school.

[00:01:31]>> No good.

[00:01:32]>> [laughter] >> This is a no good because we can't have that.

[00:01:37]>> Mhm.

[00:01:38]>> You know.

[00:01:38]>> Get ready for this one. Deep breaths.

[00:01:40]Yells, "Shut up." at you.

[00:01:44]>> Absolutely not.

[00:01:46]>> These things happen, so we're just looking at how triggering they are.

[00:01:48]>> to no adult. So, >> If they're to >> Only if you're in danger.

[00:01:53]>> All right. So, I don't know if this is the same or different. Says, "I hate you."

[00:01:56]>> Hate?

[00:01:57]>> Hate.

[00:01:58]>> Oh, that's awful.

[00:02:00]Yeah, this is a long list of reds.

[00:02:02]>> Okay.

[00:02:02]>> No, no, we don't hate. We [laughter] try not to even use the word. This is an opportunity, I guess, to have an in-depth conversation with what's going on with your child. If you feel so strongly you want to use the word hate, or you don't know that that word is that strong.

[00:02:19]>> That's true.

[00:02:19]>> So, it's like, "No, this is a word you should avoid, you know, at all costs, along with many others."

[00:02:25]>> All right.

[00:02:25]>> I don't like that.

[00:02:26]>> You get a note sent home from school saying your kid was No, not of that language, just kind of rude to the teacher.

[00:02:32]>> Yeah, another one. Like, have respect for your elders, but you know, kind of an opportunity to see what's going on with your kids.

[00:02:39]>> Yeah, your kid laughs when you're disciplining them.

[00:02:42]>> That makes me laugh, too. So, you can put that in the smile one.

[00:02:45]>> [laughter] >> They're like, "I get it, you know, like life shouldn't be so serious or whatever." But, you know, >> That's good to know. So triggering for some parents. Not on your trigger meter.

[00:02:54]We're all good.

[00:02:55]>> I say goals.

[00:02:56]>> Yeah.

[00:02:56]>> But, at the same time, it's like, you might have a funny kid on your hands. It That might be an indicator. So, >> Love [clears throat] that.

[00:03:03]>> Yeah.

[00:03:03]>> That's what I call the the most generous interpretation. So, right before you're walking out the door, your kid has a just a tantrum about leaving the house.

[00:03:09]>> Mhm. That one's tough. It doesn't make me I don't I don't laugh at it. And like I I try not to get super angry at it. It doesn't bother me that much, but it definitely doesn't make me happy because it's like, we have stuff to do.

[00:03:21]>> We we do have stuff to do. Okay, what about slamming a bedroom door?

[00:03:24]>> Acceptable.

[00:03:25]>> That Is that as red as the others, or a little less red?

[00:03:28]>> It's less red, so it'll go in its own column, but it's close because I would say it's a sign of some some sort of disrespect. You can be upset about things, but we prefer we use our words because slamming doors can lead to hitting, can lead to kicking. It's kind of the same ballpark.

[00:03:44]>> All right, last one.

[00:03:45]>> Yeah.

[00:03:45]>> You're trying to explain a rule, >> Mhm.

[00:03:47]>> explain a boundary, >> Mhm.

[00:03:48]>> and your kid is just stop talking.

[00:03:50]>> I guess the only one that made me made me happy was the laugh when you're disciplining them.

[00:03:55]>> situation.

[00:03:56]>> Yeah, I mean parenting is hard.

[00:03:58]>> Parenting is hard.

[00:03:59]>> Folks, I don't know if you know this or not. Like all these things >> [laughter] >> are things that can bother you.

[00:04:05]>> This can all happen in one day, by the way.

[00:04:06]>> Shouting number one at your parents is strike one. Strike two is them trying to tell you what to do. There's not a strike three yet because there's still an opportunity to be like, "Don't talk to me like that." And and kind of diffuse [clears throat] situations.

[00:04:21]>> Yeah.

[00:04:21]>> It's closer to over here, I'd say.

[00:04:23]>> Okay.

[00:04:24]Last one, you're disciplining them. Not really a trigger for you. Like >> No.

[00:04:28]No.

[00:04:29]>> Unless they're laughing about like a dead raccoon or something.

[00:04:31]>> Next round with someone I'm going to have I'm going to have that.

[00:04:34]>> It's like, "Hey, are you >> laughing at the at the dead raccoon?"

[00:04:37]>> Yeah, are you concerned about, you know, life?

[00:04:38]>> And then it's the shut up, I hate you.

[00:04:40]It's another kid at school. Most difficult. Let's break one down. Which one? You can pick any of them.

[00:04:45]>> Let's break the slam the bedroom door.

[00:04:47]>> Let's break it down.

[00:04:48]>> that down.

[00:04:48]>> Okay. One of the things I think we do in parenting, but but I actually think we do it in all relationships, is we struggle to separate behavior, which is something we do, from identity, which is the person we are.

[00:05:02]When kids really trigger us or a colleague or a partner does, it's because we've collapsed those things.

[00:05:07]So, we'll take other examples, but it comes back to the bedroom door. You know, hits another kid at school. I have a hitter. I have a hitter and then we usually do this thing, the fast forward it error. My kid's always going to be a hitter. My kid's going to be in jail.

[00:05:19]They're Everyone's going to think I'm a bad parent and it all started today when they were three. And then we come back to the moment and we respond not based on my good kid who did this bad thing, but we actually respond based on putting those two things together and we respond with all the fear and anxiety we have over the next 30 years.

[00:05:39]>> kid all of a sudden. Yes.

[00:05:40]>> god, I have a bad kid and to me I really think we never respond to behavior. We respond to the story we tell ourselves >> Yeah.

[00:05:47]>> about behavior. And I find this question, what is the most generous interpretation of my kids' behavior, to be really, really helpful. Key, not to excuse behavior. No. But to adequately and accurately understand it so that we can intervene. So, I'm going to ask you.

[00:06:05]Your daughter slams the bedroom door after you say, I don't know, maybe she wants a sleepover, maybe she wants ice cream.

[00:06:12]Basically, you probably say no to something she wants.

[00:06:15]>> Yes.

[00:06:15]>> And she slams her bedroom door.

[00:06:17]>> Mhm.

[00:06:17]>> What is your most generous interpretation of why your tween would be doing that?

[00:06:23]>> I guess it's a disagreement, >> Mhm.

[00:06:25]>> to say the least. So, it's a frustration, and it's an obvious one.

[00:06:29]Slamming the door is like, "Oh, thank god. Like, now I know how you feel about something in real time."

[00:06:36]>> So, I think you're right, there's a disagreement, which is probably what happens for most of us with our kids. I mean, almost everything with a kid, whether it's a tantrum when they're young or slamming the door, probably e- even saying, "I hate you." My kid wants something.

[00:06:47]>> Mhm.

[00:06:48]>> I say no.

[00:06:49]>> Mhm.

[00:06:49]>> And And the thing I think we often forget is even adults, we are not very good when we really want something and someone says no.

[00:06:57]>> A lot of grown people struggle with frustration.

[00:06:59]>> Exactly.

[00:07:00]>> Like, road rage being one big giant example of like, "What are you mad about exactly?"

[00:07:06]>> Right.

[00:07:06]>> Like, you feel disrespected over a lane change.

[00:07:09]>> Maybe those are all adults who didn't have a parent help them understand the slamming of the bedroom door.

[00:07:13]>> I >> [laughter] >> may be because I have my own like road frustrations.

[00:07:18]>> Okay, so let's go back to the door. So, there's a There's a disagreement. The other thing that I think would be part of my most generous interpretation, and there's no right answer. To me, it's actually the asking of that question that changes our mindset, >> Mhm.

[00:07:30]>> is I'm trying to think, what I always do to come up with an MGI is I think, well, why would I do that?

[00:07:35]>> Right.

[00:07:35]>> Like, why would me and my husband be in a fight?

[00:07:37]>> Mhm.

[00:07:37]>> And what would lead me to slam the door?

[00:07:40]And I think it would be that we were in a disagreement and I feel like he was not hearing my point. Forget not agreeing with my point.

[00:07:47]>> Mhm.

[00:07:47]>> But like he was, I don't know, invalidating it or wouldn't let me say my peace or even if he was going to say no, he didn't even want to understand because I think in that situation if I'm going deep, I would kind of have the experience I think our kids feel like this a lot is like you don't even see me as a real person. Like do I even exist for you?

[00:08:08]>> Yeah, I'm not a kid. I hear that so much from kids.

[00:08:12]>> Yes.

[00:08:13]>> I'm not a kid.

[00:08:14]>> think what they're saying is I'm I'm a real person with and you don't have to always give in, but can you please listen? And slamming the door which creates such a loud visceral sound, I feel like it would be something I could do desperately.

[00:08:27]>> It's a hey, you're not listening to me thing, you know?

[00:08:32]>> I think that that's right. To me something happens in the parenting world where we mistake trying to understand it. That doesn't mean I'm going to go to my kid and say I think I think you felt unseen and so slam away. No, okay? Like no, we have to teach our kids how to operate in the world, but I might say to my kid after woah, slamming the door not cool. But maybe more importantly, maybe I wasn't really listening.

[00:08:55]>> Mhm.

[00:08:55]>> Can we start again because I'm definitely not always going to say yes to what you want, but I I definitely could probably do a little bit better job trying to understand it.

[00:09:04]>> It's a misfire. It's a it's a failure on someone's part.

[00:09:08]>> That's right.

[00:09:09]>> And a family is supposed to be a team.

[00:09:11]We should be able to call out the fact that someone is not on the same page and try to get to the same page.

[00:09:20]But at the same time understanding the dynamics between parent and child. I don't think there can be a maximum amount of conversation in families, you know, like talk about it all. How else are you going to like know when to interject help or advice or this that and the other if you don't even know what's on their mind, kind of so >> I think that's right. So, to summarize, I think slamming doors, you you've a good kid. I always think if nothing else, if I can say to myself, I have a good kid having a hard time, that puts me in a better mindset.

[00:09:46]>> perspective where you was like, we jump to conclusions like all of a sudden I got a bad kid.

[00:09:49]>> Yeah.

[00:09:50]>> No, you know, give give yourself some credit, give them some credit, and like just relax and yeah, try to see the opportunity. Yeah.

[00:09:58]>> I think that's exactly right.