Dr. Ramani || If They Cheated and Keep Coming Back, Watch This

[00:00:00]The idea that they could trade it all in. Trade a life you made with them for the thing that ticks the boxes better for their validation. It's absolutely devastating. And again, like I said, for survivors, it plays into an I am not enough mindset that often even predated the relationship. Hey everyone, it's Dr. Romany. So for this video, let me put this to you as a question. Which type of narcissist is most likely to cheat on you? Well, betrayal. It's the central dynamic of narcissistic relationships and all forms of betrayal. Lying, breaking your confidence, sharing stuff you ask them not to share with other people, financial betrayal, not protecting you, all of it. And something that feels like it happens a lot in narcissistic relationships is infidelity or just generally shady behavior in that space. The challenge with the infidelity conversation is that not all, in fact, I would even say not most narcissistic folks have affairs or not don't have sex out of the relationship. Instead, the larger umbrella of infidelity is all that other stuff that breaks your heart.

[00:01:07]Emotional infidelity, inappropriate electronic relationships, romantic texting or sex texting people they met or people they work with. And then there's all that stuff that feels infidelity and betrayal adjacent.

[00:01:22]Comparing you to other people that they find attractive or to ex partners. And this is also triangulation and also feels like a betrayal. Like I said, having emotional affairs, things that get them supply and keep up all that novelty stimulation that they need, but which still hurt. And on top of that, you're often gaslighted about it.

[00:01:43]There's lots of reasons that people cheat in relationships and a lot of people who are not narcissistic cheat and some people cheat because they're in narcissistic relationships and getting some attention for the first time ever feels healing. And some people have said to me, "Yeah, a little bit of this something on the side is why I'm able to actually survive in a narcissistic relationship."

[00:02:08]cheating, infidelity, call it what you will, does not mean someone is narcissistic.

[00:02:13]And again, a lot of narcissistic people cheat, but definitely not all. Now, narcissistic infidelity in particular, is tricky because there's often shame when the narcissistic person's caught.

[00:02:24]Not guilt as much as shame. They know it's a bad look and they don't want to be viewed as a cheater by the world at large, right? They care about that image. And we know that narcissistic folks do not do well with shame. And they'll often turn it around at you, blaming you for their infidelity, offering half-hearted apologies, not really taking responsibility, gaslighting you, and then often doing it again down the line once the heat kind of comes off of them. Infidelity gives narcissistic people supply. It's validation, its admiration, it's novelty. They get to love bomb again.

[00:02:57]They have a secret, which sort of helps them feel powerful. So cheating lets them take a lot of boxes. And ultimately the betrayal of narcissistic infidelity can sting and sting hard because many people in these relationships who are in narcissistic relationships will feel that they have done everything, said everything, been everything and given up everything for this relationship to work and still this narcissistic partner wandered outside of the relationship to get more. That hurts. The selfishness, the low empathy, the entitlement, the need for admiration and excitement, it's all on full display when we see narcissistic infidelity. So, let's go back to that. What type of narcissistic folks are most likely to cheat? And even pause this video and take a teach pretend this is a poll. If we were to take a poll, you put it in the comments.

[00:03:53]I'm guessing that most of you would say it's the grandiose narcissistic folks and you'd probably be right. We don't have this data and it wouldn't be easy to get, but I think it's a damn good hypothesis.

[00:04:05]Those of you in grandiose narcissistic relationships may find that it's sort of a never enough. They can the nar grandiose narcissists can never get enough attention. There's never enough excitement. There's never enough newness, fabulousness. Grandiose narcissistic folks are a good time and you may be having fun with them in your relationship yourself in some cases and after a while it does get pretty tiresome. But grandiose narcissistic folks are also going to flirt shamelessly with other people in front of you. The grandiose narcissist is that kind of that old guy who grossly flirts with a server in front of a wife and doesn't get how bad the look is and say, "What's the big deal?" when they're questioned. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You get the picture. When it comes to all the ways that narcissistic people cheat, grandiose people, grandiose narcissistic people are most likely to do the shady, inappropriate DMing and texting for attention, the to flirt, to forget to tell people they've met that they're married or in a relationship with you.

[00:05:07]It's the one night stands on business trips and the longer term affairs. And because they can justify just about anything, they will. Interestingly, because grandiose narcissists are the healthiest of the narcissistic folks and can actually keep treating you sometimes even nicer than usual when they are cheating because their supply needs are being met. It is messed up. Yes, but many people say they're like really nice and kind of happy all the time and then found out that this was happening and that does not feel good, but it is what it is. The malignant narcissistic folks may also cheat, but their cheating tends to be a bit more exploitative. It's a sort of crime of opportunity or because it interests their in it advances their interest in some sort of coercive way.

[00:05:54]For example, maybe having sex with a colleague or business associate or flirting or communicating inappropriately with them as another means of getting control in a workplace or in a business deal. A malignant narcissistic person may pay for sex as a way to get off in a disconnected way and they may not even consider that cheating. You typically won't see the malignant narcissistic people having any kind of emotional tie-in with the person they're cheating. It just tends to be one more situation where they can dominate. Now, vulnerable narcissistic folks, despite their sometimes lack of social skill compared to the grandiose folks and their passive aggression and sort of being grumpy at the world, they might cheat. And in fact, one scenario could be it's a situation where if you're in the relationship with them, your life is going well, you're busier than ever, whatever it is, or maybe you're the the primary bread winner, and the vulnerable narcissistic person's insecurity may come out as cheating, so they can feel a little bit bigger in light of all their shame. It may be more of an online behavior kind of cheating or someone who takes an interest in their sad story that they tell. But I got to say with the vulnerable narcissistic folks, the probabilities aren't nearly as high here as with the grandiose folks. But vulnerable folks may cheat to help themselves feel bigger in some ways. Probably more of that sex texty kind of cheating. Takes more energy to do the other kind. Now the communal narcissistic folks when they find time in their schedule from saving the world, they might cheat. Lots of people project lots of goodness onto the communal narcissistic people and they often surround themselves with people who swoon over their goodness. That can get into sometimes a bit of inappropriate savior complex worship towards them. Frankly, with the communal narcissistic folks, it kind of comes down to what their sort of underlying style is under their communal narcissism. a communal narcissist who's also grandiose. Again, a higher probability because of the grandiosity and the entitlement and perhaps feeling that it's their reward to have a side piece for saving the world. The communal malignant narcissistic folks are basically cult leaders. So, they may very well exploit people as part of their pseudospiritual the communal vulnerable narcissist. That's a rare combination anyhow and maybe not so much cheaty also. And then there are those self-righteous narcissistic folks.

[00:08:19]This group I'm going to say with the cheating probably not. Now in some cases the self-righteous narcissistic person is so tightly wound that they may pop somewhere else. For example, you might see that they have sort of a compulsive use of pornography. And we call that a reaction formation. But mostly the self-righteous narcissistic person gets their supply from judging other people and feeling morally superior to them. So the self-righteous narcissistic folks may really be these straight and narrow types. Self-righteous folks may also be intimacy avoidant, withholding, cold, contemptuous. So dirty texting is not usually in their wheelhouse. And this gets tricky because they are such straight arrows with very painful barbs.

[00:09:06]But people looking at them will sometimes think, "You're so lucky to be in a relationship with him. He would never cheat."

[00:09:14]Self-righteous narcissistic folks will also harshly judge a person who might have cheated in a relationship regard regardless of circumstances while continuing to emotionally abuse you as their partner. Right? But they'll also be very loud in that moral judgment. In fact, more than a few folks I've talked with who are in relationships with self-righteous narcissists kind of hope the self-righteous narcissists would cheat. So, they seem human. So, no, this group may have some closeted behaviors or even some bizarre proclivities, but they are probably the least likely to cheat on a partner, at least in the ways we consider cheating is, like an emotional affair, a sexual affair, a sex texting affair. Self-righteous narcissists are also pretty cheap. So, it can sometimes be hard to be unfaithful and not spend money like gifts, hotel rooms, plane tickets, all that stuff costs money. So, that also diminishes the likelihood. Now, we don't talk much and we should probably talk more, but we don't talk enough about the neglectful narcissistic folks. These are the folks who don't even take notice of your existence unless they need something. These are folks who never protect you, who never notice your pain.

[00:10:22]They may not even be as verbally abusive, but you feel like a ghost with them. Again, whatever subtype that may also be colllocated with their neglectful narcissism could highlight whether or not they would cheat. But this neglectful narcissism can be a bit of a more unique subtype. Sometimes it even has a slightly neurodeivergent feel, a complete disconnection from you.

[00:10:45]But the manipulation, the gaslighting, the contempt, those are all there too.

[00:10:50]Neglectful narcissistic people may just view other people as objects to get things done. They may not cheat because it may seem like too much trouble to them. And just like with the self-righteous narcissistic folks, the neglectful narcissistic folks may get their validation through stuff like work, hobbies, um things that they like and want and with little regards for others regard for others including for their spouse, children, and probably not even some someone else to spend time with. Now, folks in past or current relationships with those grandiose narcissistic folks, you know what I'm talking about and have probably had this kind of shady or full-on cheating behavior happen to you. The rest of you with the different kinds of narcissistic relationships, it may vary. We want narcissism to be this one uniform thing that looks one uniform way, and it's really not. And betrayal has lots of different feels in this relationship.

[00:11:47]Whether it's active like cheating or passive like neglect.

[00:11:52]The bottom line though, both hurt. What do you do with those feelings when that narcissistic person jumps into a new relationship quickly, usually pretty soon after you end, and tells the world that the new person is the love of their life. Has this happened to you? I'd love to know. If you have, drop in the comments. it happened to you or are you afraid it's going to happen to you because it doesn't feel good? You're with them. It was complicated, but they go meet someone else fast and they might have even been with them before and it's the love of their life. So, let's set the tone. You're in a relationship with a narcissistic person. The relationship ends very quickly or even within a few months, they enter a new relationship.

[00:12:34]Well, of course, they're narcissistic, so they can't not be noisy about it. So, it's all I finally met the love of my life. So this is what true love feels like. I finally got my love story. I waited my whole life and finally I have real love. You hear this or you read this and it feels awful. You may even be glad the narcissistic relationship's over, but it still feels bad because you once heard those same things from them.

[00:13:00]So that leaves you in a position of was it never real with me? Or even worse for some survivors, what does this new person have that I don't? Many people will say that these public proclamations of once-in-a-lifetime love story that they see their narcissistic ex doing can really ping on that whole idea of feeling not enough.

[00:13:22]Intellectually, you may even think, "Great, now they're your problem, new person, and not mine." But there's something about having your history with someone invalidated. The disconnect can feel unsettling.

[00:13:36]Obviously, there are layers of this. If you still had hope for the relationship or still cared, then this when this happens, it can be utter devastation. If you are done and somewhat indifferent but have for example children together and your co-parented children are having to see this, it can kind of be awful to have to walk children through this and to accept that your narcissistic ex and co-parent is so unempathic that they wouldn't care about harming their children who of course the narcissist believes their children should be so happy for them that who cares if the children are a little unsettled by their parents' brand new shiny love story and their make out pictures on social media.

[00:14:19]And if you are done and indifferent, well then that's probably the best and the easiest. But after a while, the sort of wincing faces of people that feel bad for you, it may get on your nerves.

[00:14:32]Again, the reason they do this has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do with the narcissistic incapacity for intimacy. Their intimacy is shallow, is focused solely on what it does for them, what it gets them. And so every new love story filled with excitement and fresh new supply, it's their new great love story. So when this feels just awful because it is unjust is when they roll into a relationship that gives them the supply that they want.

[00:15:07]the new partner, I don't know, maybe has lots of money or is much younger or has a nice house or something because no matter how much you genuinely love them, and you did, the idea that they could trade it all in, trade a life you made with them for the thing that ticks the boxes better for their validation, it's absolutely devastating. And again, like I said, for survivors, it plays into an I am not enough mindset that often even predated the relationship.

[00:15:37]So, what do you do when they say, "I finally found my true love." Right after leaving a relationship with you, number one, however you need to do it, even repeating it over and over again, you got to remember this isn't about you.

[00:15:50]You were supply and then you weren't supply and they always get tired of supply. And that said, you're wondering, "How am I supposed to survive this phase of their great new love story?" The grandiosity makes for a short memory.

[00:16:05]They are reacting to what is in front of them, something new. They did the same with you. It's not personal even though it feels deeply personal. This takes a minute. And so you need to number two be with the hurt. There will be grief in this process. You may think, "Oh, you know what? This fool isn't even worthy of my grief." It's not grief over them.

[00:16:29]It's grief that a process you cherished, loving another person, was wasted on a person who wasn't worthy of you, who was so shallow, who could be so ignorant of your feelings. All of that hurts. Be with that pain, therapy, self-compassion, trusted friends, other supports, all of that helps, but the only way out is through. And that means this is going to hurt. Number three, get the hell off of social media, please. It's so easy.

[00:17:00]Instagram is basically a glorified shopping mall these days. And Facebook is basically comprised as a conspiratorial rants of your unhinged friends and relatives. It's not good for you to see any of that. And the narcissistic person needs to broadcast their grandiose nonsense. I have no idea if a tree falls in the forest whether it makes a sound if no one is there. I do know that if you don't have to see BS on social media, in a way it kind of isn't there and you can focus on your healing.

[00:17:30]I understand if you need social media for your business, that's fine. Then block or fool with the settings so you don't need to see brand new love story posts that hurt. Number four, if you have them, protect your children. If this is relevant, you got to do it. What does that mean? Clean up your kids social media feed if they're old enough to be on social media. Be the one who brings consistency into their life.

[00:17:53]Because the flights of fancy and the new great love relationship for your ex means that your ex is now going to jet off to a tropical local on the weekend of your children's school play or will flake on custody weekends or leave them unsupervised while they canoodle with their soulmate. Be present. Ensure that you have school and other significant events wired. maintain their routines and ensure that if you're if you're able to hopefully get the clearance to do so, if you're co-parenting, that your child has access to mental health services.

[00:18:25]The narcissistic parent may be insistent that the children love their new great love. And children may struggle with this on multiple levels. Protect your children from the makeup, the makeout pictures, the bikini shots, the vacation shots, the muscle shots, and the other things that may make them uncomfortable.

[00:18:44]Is it fair that on top of all else, you're having to act as a sentry to protect children from the ex's inappropriate behavior? No. None of this is fair. But being present for your children and being consistent is everything, especially in the midst of this circus. Number five, the injustice piece is so tough. Intellectually, you know that this will end up being the narcissist's new great love story that ends, but it does still feel injust.

[00:19:11]While you may be grieving a relationship and they are in Hawaii with their once-in-a-lifetime love story, it hurts.

[00:19:18]Just like all pain, it's going to sting.

[00:19:20]It's going to hurt. So, let it. The one advantage we have when it comes to heartbreak is time. The vast majority of folks start to write themselves with time. And this too will pass with the added bonus that for narcissistic folks, all things bright will eventually fizzle. And that's going to happen with this too. Just don't get yourself get hoovered, right? Narcissistic folks live in a fantasy world. Fantasies of endless success, fame, fortune, and grandiose romantic love stories. It's why they often get married so many times. And even when they're getting married for the 10th time, they still have a big frothy white wedding with multiple wardrobe changes. They need the spectacle. So, it's really about the spectacle, not the companionship, the consistency, the respect, the compassion, the mutuality of regard, the growth, or the kindness. These are typically photoshopped relationships.

[00:20:15]Grieving a broken heart is the most human of experiences and one of the more painful ones. It is made more painful when the object of the broken heart is denying the experience you had. your reality was different and you lost your re reality in that relationship. It's painful to be reminded of that even in the aftermath.

[00:20:38]And then as you heal and are able to get more detached, there will come that moment when their greatest love story, love of my life, soulmate goes kaput.

[00:20:49]Grab some popcorn with some Shaden Freida sprinkled on top and breathe into the predictability of these personalities and your resilience in the face of it. If nothing else, I hope this video is a validation for those of you going through this. It's real. It hurts and nothing I or anyone else can say can change that. But also, it's a reminder that for narcissistic folks, my great new love is just code for a look, I got new supply. Let's talk about the hope that sadly gets created by a specific kind of Hoover in a narcissistic relationship.

[00:21:28]So, infidelity is such a common part of the narcissistic relationship landscape.

[00:21:33]Not all narcissists cheat. Not all cheaters are narcissistic.

[00:21:38]But probability-wise, when we look at all personalities, narcissistic people are more likely to cheat and more likely to be repeat cheaters. Remember, narcissistic folks get supply from cheating. They pumps up their grandiosity. They feel like they're a player. They feel entitled to it. They feel very little empathy for the people being hurt. Narcissistic people are selfish and impulsive and they do what they want. They get lots of supply. It's an easy go-to for them. Interestingly, significant portion proportions of folks on dating apps and on Tinder we find are married or in relationships. Way more than you think. And we don't have this data yet, but I'm willing to take the bet that the subset of folks who are on apps or on hookup sites while they are still in relationships are probably in the narcissism neighborhood.

[00:22:28]Narcissistic folks are also more likely to gaslight you about cheating, telling you that if they are caught that you are the one who's crazy for checking their phone or you're the one who's crazy, period, etc., etc. You know the drill if you've been through this. So, not only are you hurt from the breach of trust in the relationship, but you are also harmed by being manipulated and doubted at a particularly vulnerable time for you.

[00:22:54]Nobody would ever call a narcissistic person courageous. So the thing though sometimes they do, but they're not right. So the thing that is needed to repair and heal, you need them to admit to what they did, to take responsibility, not blame you for it, that's never going to happen. So narcissistic relationships after infidelity happens, never really heal.

[00:23:15]But there's a problematic wrinkle that can get created by the narcissistic cheat and that is the narcissistic future fake and the promise to be better once they are after they're caught in an affair. Now listen, this may not be true in your case. It's not an absolute, but I liken it to people who get caught speeding or driving too fast in a car and get a ticket or a traffic violation.

[00:23:43]By the time you get a ticket, trust me, this is not your first time driving fast. People always drive fast and then one day they finally get caught. In most cases, when you finally catch the cheat, they've been cheating maybe for a while and especially in their sort of sexy digital cheat cheating setups, they've been doing this for a while. They've done it before and not gotten caught.

[00:24:05]So, the odds that when you catch someone cheating or betraying that it's the first time that they've done this on average, no, never.

[00:24:15]But it takes time and you finally catch them. The interesting thing about cheating or infidelity, is that it is one of those things that it's on a lot of people's nofly list for relationships, especially in narcissistic relationships. It's interesting. No matter how toxic the relationships, no, no matter how soul sapping it is, how heartbreaking, manipulative, gaslighting, invalidating, people will say, "I know, I know this relationship's not great." And they'll do all the trauma bonded justifications.

[00:24:45]And then finally, we'll say, "You know what? If they cheat, I'm out. That's the last straw." And for some people, it really is. They endure a bunch of terrible stuff, the person cheats, and they they leave. But for others, if you aren't ready and then the cheating happens, I got to say, you're in a really precarious spot.

[00:25:03]And that precarious spot is the infidelity hoover. So, the story would be this. There's a narcissistic relationship, which is generally toxic.

[00:25:12]Sometimes it's fine. You aren't ready to leave yet, or you don't even get quite get what's happening, though you may not get it now since you're watching this video and you're watching stuff on this channel. or you may be so practically or culturally or financially or religiously stuck in it, you know, money, kids, stigma, all that stuff. So, you catch them. It's clear that your partner was being shady. Maybe they were literally having an affair, an emotional affair, a sexing affair, whatever. You catch them.

[00:25:41]They gaslight you. They deny. And then maybe maybe you have the goods on them.

[00:25:47]And then there's nowhere for them to run or hide. And they to it. They blame you a little and then in some, not all, but some cases, they might come back with their tail between their legs and sort of apologize. Maybe even fall on their sword. Baby, I'm so sorry. It was such a crappy thing to do. I was stupid.

[00:26:07]I was being a jerk. I need to grow up.

[00:26:09]It was just talking. Baby, I was feeling down at work and I was being stupid and you deserve so much better. And I can't believe I did this to you. And I pray you give us a second chance. I pray you give me another chance. Baby, I could be better. Almost losing you has taught me how important you are to me. Watch me, baby. Watch. I'm deleting her number right now. I swear I am never going to get in touch with her again. Let's go to therapy. Let's go to Hawaii. I will make this up to you. Watch me. Look, I'm shutting down my social media account right in front of you. Now, if you had a tiny little Dr. Romney sitting on your shoulder, I would be rolling my eyes and whispering future fake into your ears.

[00:26:55]But then many of you would just knock me off of your shoulder because despite it taking this awful, terrible, hurtful, invalidating, maybe even humiliating thing to happen. You are finally hearing for the first time in a long time what you have been hoping to hear in this relationship. It takes you back to the beginning when they would express to you that you were their great love and they never felt this way before. And now after taking you for granted for so long, they are telling you that they never want to lose you ever. Now they finally learned because they're about to, oh no, I can't lose you. And they might even throw some lovebombed goodies in there. Let's take a trip together.

[00:27:38]Let's have a date night. They may even buy you some cheating jewelry. I know some women who have boxes full of it.

[00:27:46]Diamonds for the first affair, lovely bracelet from the time they cheated in Las Vegas, an eternity ring. Oh, the irony of that after the three-year affair they had. And men are not the only ones who cheat. For others in these relationships, it may be whatever the thing you want them to be, they say they will show up as. And you know what?

[00:28:09]During this infidelity hoover, they do show up like that for a minute. It's lovebomb 2.0, but with this twist of more intense because they are telling you how they made this terrible mistake and did wrong by you and took you for granted. And while they aren't saying it, but because they but because they did that not just with the affair, but with everything else, it can soothe you about the multiple things that were going wrong in the relationship. And hearing these things that you've been wanting to hear in this relationship for a long time, you may put down that line in the sand you had of if my partner cheats, I am out of this relationship.

[00:28:51]You might think like, oh, maybe, maybe not. You may even be struggling with, "Am I really going to break up a family because he just sent a few dickpicks? Am I really going to start again dating again because she was talking with some person online?" You start doubting yourself because that's what narcissistic relationships do to us.

[00:29:11]Hell, you may be pregnant. You may have just bought a new home. You may have just moved across the country. You may have just quit your job. And all of these practical factors make blowing it up seem more impossible in the face of an infidelity. And of course, the chorus of enablers may also show up. Oh, honey, this happened sometimes in marriages. It was nothing. Oh, your dad cheated for years and I stuck around. Or look, she's trying. Or look, he's taking you to Hawaii. I love how the idea of a gift or a trip is considered an equivalence.

[00:29:48]Betrayal trauma equals one trip to Hawaii.

[00:29:52]I have to tell you this. I think if someone's trying to give you a week in Hawaii off an affair, I think they're getting off cheap. That's not how that currency conversion works.

[00:30:00]It can feel like the power balances after you catch them in an affair and they come back with their hat in hand.

[00:30:07]Remember, narcissistic relationships are all about power. And there can be this misplaced sense of, well, now perhaps they owe me and they have to behave better and they're on watch. And it creates that sense of now the power is more in balance. And that idea that now there is more balance and they have the narcissistic person has to be better.

[00:30:26]It's not sustainable. They may be better for a minute and it's going to be very transactional. The vacation, the gifts, the few months. And once you are back into a routine that feels familiar, they're going to go back to being them.

[00:30:41]Narcissistic people know the right way to show up, they just can't be bothered.

[00:30:46]But they can be really good for sprints and short durations to get what they want or need. Relationships should not be about power. That's already the faulty premise of the narcissistic relationship. But when you are in one of these relationships, the narcissistic person, whether through manipulation or status or fear or gaslighting, seemingly holds the power. So the perceived shift that can come when they have to be contrite about their bad behavior, well, that can be seductive in its own right.

[00:31:18]So the confusion of the relationship, of the trauma bounding, and now of being betrayed, all of that altogether can be quite overwhelming, especially if the infidelity hoover kicks in because the things they may say after they get caught in a an affair, that stuff can often really land hard because it often means that they're choosing you again.

[00:31:44]Someone saying, "I strayed and boy did I learn that I had everything with you."

[00:31:50]Being chosen or not chosen, is often a core wound, especially for people with narcissistic parents. And it's often a very effective hoover. I'm choosing you over the affair person. Sometimes people who are falling into the infidelity hoover, especially if they told other people about their partner cheating will not tell those same people that they may be considering going back into the relationship. So that means that the early days of the infidelity hoover can feel like a secret affair that you're having with your narcissistic partner.

[00:32:24]So maybe you did kick them out, maybe you moved out and now here they are courting you again as part of the infidelity hoover. But you keep it secret because you may feel your own shame about it. And sadly that's a little exciting. And especially for the narcissistic person for a minute who clearly may enjoy the lie and the sneaking around, but before long they will want the world to know that they are back in. Not only does it save face for them, it restores their sense of control and belonging, which it matters to narcissistic people. But as it happens, you may even isolate from those same supports you talked with and where you now feel a little shame ashamed because now you're going back.

[00:33:06]So now once again, you're the one who's more isolated with less support. But the problem is this. When the infidelity hoover is with a narcissistic person, the one thing that's not going to change is their personality. They may either get better at cheating and sneaking around or even if they don't go there right away and start cheating again, the relationship goes back to business as usual. The digs, the lack of attunement, the devaluation, the manipulation, their selfishness, the gaslighting, you know the drill. The infidelity Hoover was done to get you back into whatever function it is that you serve for them.

[00:33:42]Maybe they like the convenience of living with you. You make dinner, you do the things. Maybe they like having a long-term partner. They like what it looks like. They like the dog you have together. They like the public face of being married or engaged. And in some cases, which feels awful, they just don't want to go through the expense of a divorce. And they were too stupid to read read the fine print on the marriage contract, which by the way is not a thing because it's not provided to you when you get married. And then they open their eyes to that they would have to fork over half their stuff, which they don't want to do. and hoovering you back is cheaper than giving up half their stuff, which they don't want to do.

[00:34:23]In the early days, especially if you have been feeling ambivalent about the relationship, when they come back on this infidelity hoover, you may spin it as, "Okay, we're growing after this fall or after this rupture of trust or some positivity stuff like that." The narcissistic person may even use stories like, "Well, my dad always cheated. It's all I know." Or they'll claim something like being a sex addict, but they've never been formally evaluated.

[00:34:55]You may believe, you may believe, well, it took this, but now they see me.

[00:35:01]They may not finally see you. And sometimes all you can do is go through this hoover to see that they don't see you. Because like all lovebombing, the infidelity lovebombing hoover, it fades.

[00:35:15]And whether you catch them in another affair, or they just simply go back to treating you like they always did. You may even want to say, "Wait a minute.

[00:35:23]Wait a minute. Remember when you did that thing? Remember when you cheated on me and then we got back together and you told me I was your everything and that you learned that you couldn't live without me?" You're more likely to be faced with, "Oh, seriously? You're bringing that affair up again? Come on.

[00:35:38]You're never going to let me live that down. I made one little mistake and I'm a terrible person. I am so sick of how you treat me. I have broken my back proving my love to you and this is all I get in return is you still bringing that up. And you realize that here we are again. And the horrifying feeling is, do they have to have another affair so we can get back to a good moment where they realize what they have with me? Nobody wants to feel like that.

[00:36:10]They don't realize what they have with you, and they won't. Nor do they realize what they had with whomever they cheated with. Nor will they realize what they have with the next person or the person after that. Nor do they realize what they had with the person before you.

[00:36:31]Because that means them actually being connected to, valuing, and viewing the other person in the relationship as a separate human being to be loved, cherished, valued, empathized with, felt compassion for, respected, treated as an equal and as a partner in life. And that is not what happens in these relationships. Sadly, the infidelity hoover, which often happens at a terrible time for you when you're still walking through the haze of betrayal and a broken heart, can infuse another wave of hope into the relationship that can tee you up for yet another round of neglect and devaluation, and this time around even more shame because you'll blame yourself for going back. Is there always a hoover after infidelity? No. And that can often raise its own issues and hurt for people. Sometimes the narcissistic person leaves you and takes up with the new person, which can feel devastating.

[00:37:31]And no, you don't feel like you dodged a bullet, but rather that you are not enough. It'll take time for you to realize it's going to be the same story again. Sometimes you break up and perhaps the shame and responsibility of a relationship they don't want to face means that they don't want they don't reach back in and hoover you. I know it doesn't seem like a blessing at the time and it won't feel like one for a while but in the long term when this happens when they don't hoover it'll be a more painful path early on but then you'll get more resolution and you don't forestall the grief and healing you have to take it on headlong but honestly I also know that some people also never quite come back after a narcissistic person leaves them. The trauma bonded stuff gets that stuck and in those cases therapy with someone who gets this becomes absolutely essential.

[00:38:25]Sometimes when we get what we wish for, it isn't a happy ending.

[00:38:31]Make your happily ever after about you and delink it from the narcissistic person's selfishness. The infidelity hoover is a fantasy that lots of stories and movies have taught us. It rarely ends well. It could be a moment of excitement, that love bomb 2.0, but I can all but guarantee you that when that happens, it's actually not lovebomb 2.0, but you're setting yourself up for devaluation 2.0. But this time, there'll be a big fat shame cherry on top. Good luck. I'm sorry you went through this and thanks