Always the oddball out? You're not as alone as you think | Baatein Unfiltered

[00:00:08]Hi Sayantani. Hi. Welcome to Baatein Unfiltered.  So what we usually do is we bring up different conversations in our community which is made of  young adults and millennials and you know talk about different things uh daily check-ins prompts  and stuff like that. And the topic that we came across that could be an interesting to have  a conversation about and could help community members was called being an odd ball out. Okay. Yeah. Thank you for picking me as you. Yeah. And to say that the moment I met you and we had this little thing  that community meet that had happened, I realized you were like you also very unconventional in  terms of how your life trajectory has been.

[00:00:55]Not that I know everything, but it felt  like you were one of those people who could fit this definition of oddball out,  right? Like very unconventional it seemed, right? Yeah. But before we talk about those  things, I want to know when I said this 'odd ball out', what's the first thing that came to  your mind So the first thing in my head was wow, is this a good or bad thing? Yeah. So I was like  and then they was like yeah it fits and then I was surprised that somebody I mean I met you I guess  once or twice before right and we hit it off but to be recognized as the oddball and then to be  asked to talk about it. So I mean it was fun.

[00:01:42]I mean I like the idea of it and I also like  identifying with it. So yeah. So yeah. So tell me a little bit about what what is it that you  relate with when I when I say that as I'm the oddball. Yeah. So I guess so as you were saying  right unconventional trajectory. So in terms of so as I grew up I would so I shifted schools a  bunch of times went to six different schools.

[00:02:13]So every time around I would be looking at a new  group of people and you know always the new kid and then for instance my parents are slightly  older than I am. I'm the only child and right now for instance I am working in home health and  elder care and so so among startup entrepreneurs uh in home or health or elder care be considered  young but if you move to just what general startup entrepreneurs look like today they're much younger  right so you have people almost as young as 13 Now I hear that people have started so a lot of these  things. So I think one of the things that usually would I used to identify with was this this is  this is Nigerian poet who says okay um too foreign for home too foreign for here never enough for  both. So so yeah that I think was sense that we used to sort of travel That sounds pretty profound  in terms of how it must have felt. Yeah. So yeah like right now in Bengal I don't feel Bengali  enough although you know I am Bengali so that is so there is bit of that misfit like you're not  completely fitting in but you're also fitting in to some extent. Yeah, exactly. I think we're  always trying to stand out but fit right in. So, so that also I mean eventually it helps. I guess  when you're younger it's somewhat I guess harder but over time you will start to appreciate some  of these differences as well. Yeah. Which brings me to my next question of how was it for you to  experience that like the first time probably when you recognize that I'm not fitting completely but  there is that sense of attachment or belonging in certain how do you how did you navigate so one  of the things I guess so as I was saying right so I remember once when I went into school and  I forget I think it was class four or five and there was this and as it usually is in classes,  right? You everyone has their assigned seat. So, you're joining in the I guess month later  or whatever. So, so you go on the first day, you sit take a place and then this kid comes to  you and says that can you please shift over? This is my seat. So, they're not being mean. They're  just saying that can you like this is my place and you shouldn't sort of come in. And so and at  some point I just kept like moving places until the teacher sort of came in for the day and gave  me my sleep. Right. So so it's one of those things you learn to navigate over time. you realize that  any sort of space uh wherever you're an oddball you're an oddball in relation to something and so  it's about how that space operates and also like how what your role there is and how you fit  in right so the other things I remember when I went to Spain for the first time I was a brown  person in India right I'm just a brown person but that is not so salient to my identity. So, so that  recognition that odd itself is relational I think helps in the sense that when you realize that  you're only odd in certain settings, you're not really odd. You just belong differently. So  that I guess yeah that's a very important thing that you said that it's relational and sometimes  a lot of people end up feeling that okay I'm the only person who is experiencing this. Exactly.  Yeah. And then you you feel like the maybe the entire focus goes on that sense of maybe pity  Yeah. Yeah. How you experiencing there's pity, there's victimization of sorts. Yeah. Yeah.  Right. And then but what you're also saying is when you realize it's relational and there  are other places where you fit better so you in a way find your own skin. Yeah. And you also  have a sense of belonging and also I guess it's true that you find your sense of belonging  when you but even if you were an oddball, right? So in the sense that you did not  fit in anywhere although that's I don't think that's true necessarily for anyone for  that matter but even if that were true it's not it shouldn't come across as a value  judgment to yourself because the moment we sort of think that that means there's  something wrong with me right that's where I'm wondering do you also relate to in in terms  of When you look at society, right? Do you feel like some of your opinions or some of the way that  you view your world is at some contrast with how the you know how conventionally other people  are thinking? Do you ever experience that? So contrast sometimes again as you said right. So  so because I did a PhD and I would move around in certain circles where they'd talk about  critical theory and such things right. So so there are certain societies where the vocabulary  is different. So I I mean again as I said so a lot of people I imagine would talk like me and  think like them me and then they would be in a different audience. But over time, the one good  thing I've learned is to not make an exception of myself in the sense that yes, we're all somewhat  different. But I guess at the end of the day, you're all just the same. So yeah. Yeah. So maybe  it's also about embracing the part that you feel is is a me factor like there's something  unique. Yeah. and then sort of living with the other side of it also that this is where I  belong. this is how I connect with you, right?

[00:09:02]There's also something that's me and then that's  just how Yeah. And there's no no judgment about it. Exactly. That's just who we are. Who we are.  So embracing that also Yeah. is very interesting.

[00:09:21]have that kind of feeling about like that sense  of judgment or that sense of fear that I may not be accepted right you tend to get pulled  into agreeing with everything then pulled into pleasing and your own unique yes I can relate to  that behind you know it's it's tempting because it's easier also if you yeah it's easier and  it's one of the easiest way to fit in I think right so because then at least you have some  approval and yeah it's a hard one to get in sucked into sucked in and then you just keep  going until sort of the sooner you sort of come to accept what your personal wants, needs,  whatever are the and the sooner you'll learn to put your foot down. Yeah, you kind of Yeah,  definitely. But it's not an easy thing to do.

[00:10:21]Yeah. Yeah. Because I mean obviously it's  not easy because there is a cost. Yeah.

[00:10:29]You you might experience something which is not  comfortable. Yes, there's definitely a cost and there's some alienation often. Right. Right.  Which which again is hard to deal with. So, we're all afraid of having to deal with things  because of the choices we make. Yeah. And sometimes the amount of time we spend not dealing  with them is harder than if you've actually made that choice. Right. So, definitely have a many.  So, I guess that rip that band-aid off is Yeah.

[00:11:16]This is something that came up in the community  also. A lot of people were saying that when you are a bit different let's say from your family  or from let's say of certain friends group or you make certain decisions that put you in a separate  road others. It becomes lonely but then you have to also question right what is the cost that  I'm willing to pay just to avoid that feeling.

[00:11:42]Exactly. So and if if it gets lonely I mean again  you have to find your right tribe. Yeah. So, so, so over time, yes, there's a transitional phase,  but hope if you're lucky enough, you'll eventually find your tribe, but you never find your tribe  if you stay where you are and you're lonely by default, right? Because then you're just around  people you don't necessarily relate to. So, that does not help either. So, yeah, I mean that  that itself is a lonely Yeah. experience. So, when did that realization came in? because right now  when you're speaking what I'm also sensing is you have made peace with the idea also to some extent  right yeah so I guess at some point in terms of yeah so one of the things I guess which happened  was when I moved from Spain to India right so that that for a lot of people is an unconventional  choice in terms of or even how my I mean currently I'm I I haven't had a job per se like a paying  job in about 2 and a half years and I'm working in home health and elder care and very often people  don't really know what I'm doing. So it's it's one of those choices which I and sometimes people  think that I made this choice because I was I love my parents and I'm sacrificing my life away  or you know just a very good daughter which is not necessarily true. It's my choice. I'm just I'm not  doing it cuz you know I'm exceptional necessarily or so so I would like to be identified as someone  who made their own choice and is sticking to that and it's not necessarily something that I was  forced into or I need to be lauded for or even like you know all the flip side of it right that  that I could have made something else of my life and you know held a much better job and you know  earned a lot more and lived differently. So that barometer of success is also was something  that I had to sort of give up to some extent and move away from academia. academia was a  whole different challenge in some ways cuz I think there too I used to feel like an insider  outsider in the sense that I think there's value in academics and in terms of you know learning and  thing but the methods often and in terms of how economics is nowadays did not quite agree so yeah  over time I think it's just how I figured that you just do what you wish to do and then hopefully  things, you know, start to yeah fall into.

[00:14:38]So, but but I feel like maybe that was much  harder than it sounds in in terms of I mean because when you say there there's a sense of  empowerment that I can hear when you say that I like to be identified for the choices that I make.  Yeah, exactly. So was that right away or was it like a process? So it was definitely a process  because because sometimes you also don't even know you have certain choices or or like that it's  okay to make them or you know that you can just so yeah I mean it was hard in the sense that is  this something I'm going to do perhaps or like because sometimes I think What also happens is you  don't know what your choices are. So I I think in my case that was also one of the things because  there are certain expectations and you I mean unless you're completely appalled by them you just  take them because you're just like yeah there's no like conflict so why shouldn't I just take  this and then it takes a while to realize that this is not exactly what I want or this is what  I want and this is how I wish to go about it.

[00:15:59]So yeah, so it's not always apparent and for some  people I guess it's also like a lot of people are also lucky enough that you know the traditional  expectations can occasionally match your wants too right. So if you're lucky enough to have that then  it's okay like not everybody has to be your ball also. So that is so that too was I the other way  I guess from going from an adolescent to finding a lot of people who fit in right just because  and to respect that is I think another thing.

[00:16:42]So the more you digress from just doing because  and you ask questions or you become curious. So why is that? Why is that? Why should I make that  decision just because like I I have reasons for it. I'm using my own head. So that puts you  like even though it's not like something it's a very natural thing to do to ask questions  to Yeah. Exactly. something to okay why am I making this choice and to have that sort of  independent thinking. It's not something odd, but you sometimes feel it's odd because  why is everybody making? Yeah. Because it's kind of like you're coming to different  conclusions with somewhat the same sort of Yeah. circumstance or so you just think  that there must be something wrong cuz definitely they also have similar lives  say but that's not how they that's not how they are operating. Yeah. And then you  don't relate with that when you see that okay some they're certain. Yes. Just doing  it because they've been told to do so or Yeah. I mean the path of least resistance is  just that neither right nor wrong. It's just how ordinary things are made extraordinary.  Right. Right. So, so yeah, I guess it's about it's I think honesty is perhaps where we're  trying to get at, right? At the end of the in unconventional honesty when you can be that  honest about whatever irrespective of good or bad or whatever sort of experience that is you're  talking about, you'll end up sort of creating or Yeah. they're like maybe then maybe it's not  that they're doing something unconventional.

[00:18:40]Yeah. They're following their yeah that internal  whatever it is and then it gives you that sense of cuz then you shine right so every person shines  I guess I like to believe when they're yeah true to themselves and comfortable with themselves and  doing what they wish to be doing. Right. I maybe it takes a bit of courage at the beginning but  then Yeah. Yeah. Once you are true to yourself, it it also rewards you in a very different way  than Yeah. It definitely rewards you and it's it much easier life. So the other reason why  people often hesitate to do the things that one wants is because as you said right the  backlash or the cost of it and so we imagine that being hard. Yeah. And so it is hard and I mean of  course if you're I guess a woman in Afghanistan and you want to study that's a very different  kind of hard that you have to navigate but but very often that cost is not as hard as we imagine  it in our heads right so and life after whatever choices you make does become easier because  yours it's not that painful anymore. So you just that's an important message that it becomes  more easier actually we think it's going to be hard but it's actually there's in any sort  of I mean obviously like you obviously rewarded when you are in a box but that reward is also  short-lived because ultimately you have to live with yourself that's true yeah what do  you do exactly keep having these desires or questions and things and then you just sort  of right and and that is one of the hardest things I guess in terms of living with  itself. Yeah. Or easiest if you choose.

[00:20:46]Thank you for sharing your persona experiences  with us. It was a pleasure. always fun to talk about. If I if I ask you if somebody who's  feeling like they are what is it that you would want to remind them from your own experiences and  insights? Yeah. So, so there's this one thing I'd read I think it's by Kumara Swami who said that  an artist is not a special kind of man. Every man is a special kind of artist. So I think  is to go find your art and then sort of you know wow just yeah basically discover that and  then yeah yeah definitely so if to bring some of these things that you said and some of the things  that could maybe help people who are listening or the community is that even though yes it could  be difficult at the beginning but once you find your own path you will see that that's far more  rewarding than the short-term relief of Yeah.

[00:21:54]just agreeing. Exactly. Yeah. Right. And it is  a little lonelier path. Definitely. And having to accept that loneliness that Yeah. Maybe there  would be some good but you will also eventually find people who Yeah. Find your tribe and find  your tribe and I guess you have to actively look at that stage. Yeah. Because if you just you can't  stop there I guess and that is what people are afraid of when they feel like a misfit they stop  at there that okay this is I'm a lonely person and that's what my life is ever going to be people do  stop trying to find help so that's a little Sure.

[00:22:44]Yeah. So, yeah, I hope that the community  gets something from our conversation on on this topic because there I'm pretty sure  there's a lot of people who feel like an oddball. Yeah. And even if you're not, you're  made to feel that way when That's true. not very Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah.  Definitely. I agree. That's that's something we all struggle with and it's okay. Be an  oddball. Yeah, it's fine. Be an oddball.