Why Are We So Obsessed With Other People's Relationships? - If You Know You Grow Podcast

[00:00:00]You're listening to If You Know You Grow the podcast. I'm your host, Chantel Braley, and I have over 15 years experience in marketing, e-commerce, and really all things creative. I'm so excited to take you behind the scenes of thriving businesses, hear from amazing industry experts, and chat a little bit about the mindset that it takes to really succeed in this industry. Please follow, like, and subscribe so that I can continue creating amazing content for you and sharing these incredible stories. Let's get into it.

[00:00:31]Okay, so I'm going to be really honest with you guys and I have left my curling iron in Sydney again in a hotel. This is the second time this year. Um, so that's really fun for me and I hate using a straightener cuz I still have a straightener.

[00:00:48]I think my straightener predates most things in my life currently. Like it's at least 12 years old at this point and I just really don't like my hair straight and I feel like it looks all frizzy. So, if I am like fussing about, it's probably because I have little baby hair sitting in weird places despite the fact that I have the best person in the world that generally does my hair. So, this week I wanted to chat about parasocial relationships because being in such a digitally native landscape, it is something that is so easy to confuse.

[00:01:19]And, you know, my girl Ariana Grande has just released an exciting new song and I'm obsessed with her. Anyone knows that like if you know me, you know I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande. I'm like this close to really trying to find a solo ticket to go to London to go watch her because my concept is like and that literally just is like what? I don't know this. Can it be a work trip? Um because what if this is the last time we get baddy Ariana? Like what if we don't have we've already lost a lot of baddy Ariana because she went all like wicked and all cutesy. But what if this is what if this is it? like what if we never get this era of her again? And I really need to see her do positions um in real life and and like heaps of other tracks in general. But um anyways, point is Ariana Grande is one of the best I guess examples of a parasocial relationship.

[00:02:15]So as a society, we have dragged homegirl through the [ __ ] mud based on the decisions that she's made in her relationship. And I think you could sit there of the mindset of like, well, it's our knowledge because she's decided to be famous. No, no, no. She decided to be an entertainer, so she decided to create music and actually in a very, very raw, emotional setting share her thoughts and feelings with the entire world. But she's also been put in positions uh no she's also been put in positions where she basically has had to share things she wasn't ready for. though like this is really niche, but if you've listened to the song Ghost in she didn't want that song on her album and she was actually forced to have that song on her album and that was I think one of her last big collaborations with Scooter Braun and that whole song is about like the Mac Miller Pete Davidson dynamic and she didn't want to share that information and the song itself is actually devastating like it is about knowing that you have a really great person in front of you that you can't fully love because you are in love with somebody else and you are effectively in love with a ghost. And that's like that is it's it's devastating and it's really raw. And she publicly says like I won't listen to that song. I didn't want that song on the album.

[00:03:37]But as a society like we have all these opinions about her love life, her marriage, her divorce, and everything in between. And most recently, her new album has come out and it's been announced that she's separated from Ethan Slater or broken up with Ethan Slater. And I think there without me sharing like my personal opinion and we can obviously tell that I'm an Ariana Grande fan. And we also if you know me know that I have had my fair share of like turmoil in relationships and there's a reason that I'm never really public about my relationships.

[00:04:16]And I think that's because what I have learned and like what I deem and what I want to keep private. But she has been shown to basically be a home wrecker. Whatever. Whatever. There is two people in every conscious decision that is made and there are things that we would never know. But the point of this is like why is it as a society that we are so focused on parasocial relationships? A couple months ago, and I've spoken about this, but I don't think I spoke about this in like the same level of detail because I knew I wanted to make this episode. I just didn't know when it was going to come out authentically um in where I wanted it to make sense.

[00:04:53]But a few months ago, I posted something. It was for at M. Elvie's wedding and it was myself and my friend Estabbon and we were looking at some art and it was a screen grab from a video and I am a very touchy, affectionate person. One of my love languages is 1,000% physical touch if I am close to you. If I'm not close to you, I obviously like am very conscious of boundaries, but like I'm a hugger. My godaughter the other night just like wanted to like sit in my lap and like let me stroke her back when she fell asleep and I just wanted to cry cuz I was bursting with happiness because I love this little human being so much and like she needed me and then she was like, "Auntie, I don't want you to go."

[00:05:32]And like that's the way that I feel love from people whether it's romantic or whether it's, you know, family or platonic or whatever. So having that meant so much to me. But then this means with my friends I'm going to be very affectionate. So I'm sitting there, you know, and I grab the small of Estabbon's back because I'm like, "Oh, like look at this like blah blah blah blah." And there's a video behind us because content it's a part of our life. And I just thought that like damn, I look good from behind. So I decided to post that on Instagram and tag Estabbon because he's my friend. Well, that was the single biggest piece of engaged content that I have ever posted. And as somebody who has an account that has zero like jack [ __ ] all to do with my relationship, I was so surprised by the amount of sticker taps that Estabbon had where people then visited his account.

[00:06:22]Shock [ __ ] when you find that like this beautiful gift from God, which is Estabbon. Like I I highly recommend you looking at this man if you just like like men in general because he is like just absolutely immaculate looking like 6 foot something chiseled eight pack super hot personality perfect smile like God's gift really he's God's gift but imagine the shock horror when you click through being like ooh who's this man and it is this beautiful gift from God, but in really small budgy smugglers. And for um Americans, I think that would be like the equivalent of like speedos or a manini or something like that. We call them budgy smugglers. Um cultural moment. And I like Australians, if I'm explaining this wrong, I'm so sorry, but like a so a budgie is a bird for Americans because you wouldn't know what a budgy is. And so basically, it's like a bird is sitting in their pant and they're like smuggling a bird. Does that make sense? Like from a male perspective? Okay. Cultural moment, education for everybody.

[00:07:27]didn't plan for this to be there, but I was so surprised that this was so engaging. And I'm like, why is the most interesting thing about a woman her relationship?

[00:07:37]What? And I'm like, I don't know if this is like what in the [ __ ] patriarchy or I don't know if this is because like in in my brain, I would love to be like, oh well, people care and so they want to know that I'm loved. I'm absolutely loved. I'm not actually worried about that. But it's the fact that that was so engaging that like blew my mind. And then it really kind of sent me on this little spiral of like, well, where are their conversations around like soft launch and hard launch? And there was another creator that was like um forever a soft launch because he can't actually fit into the screen because she has this like super tall partner. And it made me realize that like as women, one of the most interesting things we can do from a social side is basically edge our relationship. like not hard launching is something that if you want to keep people on their toes and keep them guessing then it's really like it's quite fun. Like I am on romantic dates generally with Rian when we are out and um you know if I'm at like Sushi Room and I've got a martini I can almost guarantee you Riann's on the other side of me and Pierce is probably there as well. And whether or not Pierce is then ordering a shot of or a round of tequila is like a completely different story, but you know, I love that people care, but like why is this the most exciting? And it really made me think of Tammy Hembro.

[00:09:00]And I think Tammy Hembro, you know, I have met her in passing very briefly.

[00:09:06]She was a beautiful human being. I've heard fantastic things about her in terms of her being lovely. So, we had Amy and Emily come to the Sunday's event and they were so beautiful. like such such just like sweet human beings and they were so much fun. They were the last people there. Like we were doing Tik Toks with Emily in the end and it was so nice to see people who you know effectively are kind of like the Kardashians of Australia. Just be so chill and down to earth and everything that I have heard about them. And that is not always something that unfortunately you hear. And I I think that's like also because being in the public eye is tough. So it would be very easy to not be friendly and not be approachable because like it would be exhausting being, you know, approached all the time. And I think like I always I always approach every relationship whether it's crater or a celebrity with anything with the fact that like you are a very normal human being. And aside from the one time that I like ugly cried to Chris Kuraba from Dashboard Confessional um because we had like a moment where we spoke about like death and loss um I've been completely normal with celebrities the whole time and he actually hugged me and told me about you know when a family member of his had almost died and it was like it was a beautiful moment but aside from that like I don't think that I get like a little bit weird or like starruck or anything but you know sometimes you meet people and they're they're not as nice but it made me think about like With Timmy Hembrow, I think that she has completely owned the market of like everyone thinks that the most interesting thing about her is who she's dating. We know that Tammy is a [ __ ] lover girl. And I I'm obsessed with that. I love I love someone who loves love. I love love, you know? I grew up with the stage of like all those like romantic comedies and I love a romcom.

[00:10:52]The other week with Miranda, we watched like The People That You Meet on Vacation and like my god, that that movie just really got to me. So, if you haven't watched it, I highly recommend watching it. But Tammy Hem has realized if people are going to be in my business, I'm at least going to control the narrative and I'm going to figure out a way to monetize it. The perfect thing and the perfect example that I can think about with that is Bailey Smith. I reckon Bailey Smith would have been a really fun time. If you were looking for a fun time, I reckon he would have been a fun time. Um, I don't know if he's a country boy for some reason. I always assume that like footy boys to an extent are like country boys. And so, even if they're a little bit of a [ __ ] they're always like quite gentlemanly as well. And there's some like more old-fashioned things that I generally see associated with them. Now, again, this is a generalization, but like, yeah, open the door for me. Like, do all of these really cute things. So, she was probably wooed and it was probably fun, but maybe she was like, I know that this isn't going to be a forever thing because again, she's a mom to like three beautiful children. And I think even when you're a lover girl, one of the really big considerations is going to be like, do you actually want to effectively be a stepchild or a stepfather to some parents? And I feel like at some point she was like, well, look, everyone's in it. The paparazzi's talked to us about it. There's all of these rumors.

[00:12:11]Let's just do a brand deal. And then their Tinder campaign came out. I'm like, "This is [ __ ] hilarious. What a way to control the narrative, tell a story, make it feel really 360, and then monetize it." Like, if people are going to talk [ __ ] you might as well be making money while you're doing it. So, I have so much respect for her in that sense. But now that she's dating somebody new, everybody is like, "Oh my god, who is she dating?" Opinions, opinions, opinions. Why is the most interesting thing about a woman who she is dating? Like yes, let's celebrate the relationships and let's celebrate these feelings, but like why do we feel as a society that we are owed or indebted the behindthe-scenes narrative to someone's personal life? I find it I find it so bizarre. Does it come part and parcel with being in public? Yes. But should we actually be focusing on things that maybe are less personal? Also, yes. Like when I think about every single creator that I've ever worked with, when there is speculation about their personal life or even if you're not a creator, if you're like a normal person and your posting habits change for whatever reason, people are always like, "Oh my god, did you like she hasn't she hasn't posted him in months?" Did we ever think about the fact that like men just generally don't like being on social media? Or alternatively, did we ever consider the fact that like most brands and most people, so it's funny that I said brands because that was kind of like a subconscious slip, but people who are on social media are effectively a brand. There is not a single part of my brand pillar that actually represents men. And I don't think that's ever going to change. This is never going to become a dating hotline when I share my fertility journey eventually because I will be really public about that. Like it has nothing to do with who the father of my child is or going to be. There's there is no child yet. Let me just clear up that rumor right there. There is like the story is more about the journey that I am on and the mindset shift that I need. And none of that has to do with the man. And this isn't because I hate men. Again, I love men. I have the best men in my life as well. I was chatting to someone the other day about like, "Do you think that men and women can just be friends?" And their response was like, "I'm not too sure." And I'm like, I a thousand% believe that because there are some men in my life like in particular, I'm thinking about like Guy and Louie who both like Guy I said I think that he is such an incredible human being that I set him up with one of my girlfriends.

[00:14:49]But guy is somebody that I have traveled the world with that I you know love with every fiber of my being completely platonically. He is a brother to me. He is a brother through and through. So you know I and like I'll share stuff about him on socials from time to time when we actually see each other cuz let's be honest it doesn't happen as frequently. Our messages are basically like a series of like miss you love you.

[00:15:13]Hope you're having a great week. You're killing it. I'm so proud of you. Um let's have a coffee. and then pretty much back in that same rotation cuz that's the reality of the seasons that we are currently in.

[00:15:25]But when it comes to this par parasocial relationship that we often have with celebrities and influencers, is there something that we can do to change the way that we perceive things or do we just lean into it and do we just continue to do it for the plot and do it so that people talk? Because you're going to talk no matter what. I can't change tall copy syndrome. I can't change the way that I am ultimately perceived and I can't change what you're interested in. So, do I just pretend?

[00:15:57]Like, do I act as though, hey, so we're going to chat about my relationship right now? Is that how I'm going to go into something? So, when you're thinking about collaborating with somebody, little things that you can look at, it's like, what's going on? What are they showcasing of their personal life in their public life? Because do you know what happens when people get pregnant or when they break up or when they start a new relationship, engagement [ __ ] skyrockets. So if you want to find somebody that's like right creator, right time, as much as that is something that probably doesn't exist in your ecosystem, no one is more relevant than whether someone is cheering them on because they found something new and exciting or when someone is unfortunately probably talking behind their back because either they've done the wrong thing or someone's wronged them or whatever it was. Because people love a celebration, but they they also like love to talk [ __ ] And I hate the latter part of that. But I've definitely decided that like if you're going to speculate, I might as well just like have a little bit of fun with it because someone's going to talk no matter what. So, might as well be theatrical.

[00:17:05]Um, I guess like in in essence, like with all of this, I kind of just want to applaud women who are having a little bit of fun with the fact that people are going to talk about things. So, you might as well give them something to talk about. And I think that like as a woman when all of these things come through and when they come out, if you are somebody that's like throwing dirt and attacking another woman, I would really really consider like if this was one of your friends, if Ariana Grande was your friend with everything that she's been through, would you have a conversation with her and be like, "Hey girl, how do we perceive love? How do we feel love? Do we have something that we need to work through?" Or would you just basically be like, Oh, I'm going to tell you that I really am I I like what you're doing to your face, but I'm going to talk [ __ ] behind your back. Because at the end of the day, one of the biggest parts of a parasocial relationship is no one actually ever knows what's really happening behind the scenes. And we love to have all of these thoughts, theories, and effectively fanfiction. Do you know what? There's some great smut novels out there. Go to actual fiction instead of dealing with people's lives. I said I wasn't going to talk about off-campus anymore, but that's an example. go read that, right? Because it's a fictional world. Um, I hope that you have enjoyed this week. It's a little bit shorter, a little bit like quippier because I is quippier even a word? I don't really know. I'm overcaffeinated and I'm a little bit nervous because I'm going to go speak at UKQ this morning, which being like speaking at a university has been something that's been on my vision board. So, I'm so excited to be doing it. But, you know, I hope that you take away from this, I think, the multiple messages that I wanted to share. Um, and as always, I would love if you could like share this, like this, subscribe.

[00:18:56]All of those things help the podcast.

[00:18:58]And yeah, it we're having such a fun season. So, I want to make sure that we can continue to grow. Have a great week and I will chat to everybody next week.