In a narcissistic family, especially for the scapegoat child, your feelings are a threat

[00:00:00]If you grew up as a scapegoat child, then you likely heard some version of this. It can include stop being so dramatic or you need to toughen up. On the surface, this may just sound like feedback about your reaction.

[00:00:12]Underneath, here's what it actually does in a in a narcissistic family system.

[00:00:18]You are a child and wired to have big feelings. You cry when you're hurt, you get scared, you get excited, maybe you get overwhelmed sometimes. In a healthier family, those reactions are met with something like, "I see you're upset. Come here. Tell me what's going on." Or "Wow, that really hurt your feelings, didn't it?" And in such cases, a child's nervous system and unconscious learns, "When I have a feeling, it gets noticed, named, respected, and responded to. My inner world gets to exist and matters to the people most important to me." But in a narcissistic family, especially for the scapegoat child, their feelings are reacted to as though they are threatening. The child's feelings might expose what the parent did, or they might ask the parent to pause their own needs and tune into the child, or maybe they interrupt the story that the parent is perfect and loving and always right. So, instead of being met and respected, the child's feelings are labeled as a problem in the child.

[00:01:20]Maybe the child starts crying because the parent frightened or humiliated them, and then the parent's response is, "You're just too sensitive."