Auntie’s Inspection

[00:00:01]Legitimately and from the bottom of my heart, I believe these people are trying to drive me crazy. They are trying to drive me out of Okay, trying to take a breath and calm down.

[00:00:15]Let me tell you what happened.

[00:00:18]Auntie wanted to conduct an inspection, right?

[00:00:24]And I was like, she called me. She said, "You ready for inspection?" I said, "What are you talking about?" She said the inspection you before Thursday.

[00:00:34]I mean before Wednesday. I was like, "What? What are you talking about? What inspection?" She's like, "You're not ready for the inspection. You have to do an inspection." Okay, let me tell you what's going on. My son is grad our baby, our youngest child, our final child in high school is graduating high school on Wednesday night. I initially thought graduation was on Thursday, which makes life a little bit easier.

[00:00:58]would have made life a little bit easier. I'll explain that in a second.

[00:01:01]But it turns out it's Wednesday night.

[00:01:05]The fact that graduation is a Wednesday night is a very big deal because as you may recall I am a devoted heathen. The rest of my family is deeply deeply deeply religious like sanctified evangelical like deeply religious right.

[00:01:23]So, they have to decide between going to Wednesday night Bible study or going to my son's high school graduation. Okay. I knew that once I found out it was on Wednesday night, y'all, my mom and them was like, "Heas, I didn't plan the graduation. How they going to play? How you going to live in a part of the country where they have a graduation on a Wednesday night? That is ridiculous." Auntie was like, "Look, look, look, look, look. This is what we This is what we're going to do. We can watch the graduation on Zoom and then um from the church parking lot. Why don't you just stay at your house then?

[00:02:02]Anyway, they're going to watch the graduation on Zoom. Then they're going to go to Wednesday night Bible study and then after Wednesday night Bible study's over, they're going to come back and meet at my house for like dessert, a little snack, celebration, whatever.

[00:02:14]Whatever.

[00:02:17]Graduation is from like 6:00 to 7:30.

[00:02:21]Wednesday night Bible study is from like 6:30 to 7:30.

[00:02:27]Okay. So, y'all going to miss most of it anyway, but fine. But auntie was like, "Look, if people are coming to your house, you know that you know they going to have a lot to say. So, you got to let me come first and do an inspection to make sure everything is in proper order."

[00:02:43]I'm grown. How you going to come to my house and inspect it? She said, "Are you free on Saturday?" I said, "No, but I am free on Friday." Because look, this is I love auntie. Now, I don't have a favorite auntie, but if I had a favorite, it would be her, but she got four sisters, and the four sisters are very much like her. Some of them are worse. Don't tell her I told you that part though, right? So, she was like, you know, I'm I'm liberal and and and broadminded.

[00:03:16]No, you're not. And she was just like, "Well, compared to them heers, I am okay. That's absolutely fair." So, she wanted to I was like, "What do you need to inspect? I am a 50year-old woman. I'm about to be 57. Like, I don't need you to come and inspect my house." And she was like, "Look, if I go in and just point out things that they may be upset by, then you can take care of them and then you don't have to hear anybody's mouth." And I was like, "Excellent point. These people are traveling from out of town to come to my home. I'm putting them up in a hotel cuz I need a break from them. But um if they going to stay here, I want them to be comfortable. I want them to be happy. I don't want them to be like offended by anything. Now, auntie has been at my house a million times. But she was like I was like, "You know what my house looks like?" She's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have to walk through it and look through it like my sisters would look at it."

[00:04:08]Okay, fine. So, she comes over and she looks around. Soon as she walks through the front door, now we have like a wire mask. It's like an art piece that I bought probably 25 years ago. She like, "That got to come down. Why does that have to come down?" And she said, "Satan.

[00:04:25]Satan. Yeah, you know Satan lives in masks.

[00:04:29]How? What? It's art." She was like, "Just take it down. Just take it down.

[00:04:35]You only got to take it down for one day. Take it down. Fine. I'mma take it down." Then she walked through the next room and I have just like this sculptural art wire thing. She like that got to come down. I said that that doesn't need that's not a cuz she was saying that like anytime there's a face Satan can go in and use the eyes to look out at the household. Something like that child. Something crazy. I was like that's not even a face. And she was just likem it looks like Eastern or whatever. You know my sisters are going to look at that and be like what kind of devil worshiping are they doing? Why do they think everything is the devil? She was like, cuz they do. So, she's looking around. She was like, okay, okay, okay.

[00:05:15]Now, I have a statue in my office of a woman sitting in the lotus position.

[00:05:20]They were like, she was like, "You can't put a cross right there? No, I cannot put a cross right there." And then when my husband was taking the statue down, he dropped it and broke it.

[00:05:31]And I was like, "Are you serious right now?" And she was just like, "Jesus is still in the blessing business. My statue is broke. You think that's Jesus blessing my house? Okay, fine. So, he just swept it up. Took the piece. It was glass. We just like took the pieces away. Threw it away. Fine.

[00:05:47]So, we have des deatened the house. So, she's like, "Where are the boys?" What do you mean where are the boys? I was like, "The boys are in their rooms. They I don't know. They're around here somewhere." She was like, "Get the boys down here." So, she's looking. She said to my older son, "Okay, okay, okay, okay. You need a haircut." I was like, "Yes, he's going to get a haircut. I know he needs a haircut. She's like, "He needs a haircut. What you going to do to cover up all them tattoos? What is wrong with his tattoos? It's nothing wrong." I was like, "His brother got tattoos, too." And she was just like, "The devil?

[00:06:20]Why y'all think the devil is in everything?" She's like, "No, no, no, no, no. I'm not saying the devil is in the tattoos. What I'm saying is my sisters are going to look at this and be like, "People who have tattoos worship the devil." So, it's not like it's not like No, no, no. I'm not saying that the devil is in the ink or nothing. I'm just saying to my sisters, this is going to be a symbol that they worship Satan.

[00:06:46]Uh, I believe that is a Pokemon tattoo.

[00:06:49]She was like, sounds satanic to me. I don't know who that is. He couldn't get like a cross or mom or something like that. Like, if you have something decent, that means that like you love your family. But all these just like mysterious symbols and stuff. the devil.

[00:07:07]I'm breathing deeply. I don't I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I'm just like, "Okay, okay. Okay." So then my youngest comes and he was like, "Huntie, hi." Gives her a big hug. She was like, "Hey, baby. How you doing? You going to cut off them dreadlocks for your graduation? He been growing dreadlocks for two years." I said, "No, he's not cutting." I was like, "Look, do you want to cut your dreadlocks before graduation?" He was like, "No." And she was just I like is the devil in dreadlocks too. She's like no but it's a symbol that you not of God.

[00:07:40]How are dreadlocks a symbol that she's like you know the rostafarians. I don't know how it all works but my sister's going to look at this and be like he's not of God.

[00:07:49]Well they going to have to get over cuz this is my house. These are my children.

[00:07:52]Nobody is covering a tattoo. I took down I'm going to take down the mask in the front room. She was like okay.

[00:08:00]Don't expect my sisters to come back.

[00:08:04]Is that a promise? I don't want these heers at my house anyway. If you want to know the truth is if no matter what happens in this house, they going to say it has something to do with the devil.

[00:08:14]How come they don't just stay home? I don't I don't need this inspection nonsense. I don't need it. I just I'm so annoyed. And I was like, "So, the dogs are going to be in the house, too?" And she's like, "Oh, no, no, no. The dogs are fine. The dogs are fine. It's big dogs that are evil. Little dogs like it.

[00:08:31]They too small. The devil can't fit in them.

[00:08:37]How did the devil get this busy? How I think the devil and them evil ass sisters of hers. I don't look I tolerate auntie cuz she my auntie and I love her very very much. But um y'all I can't Oh, and my son, my oldest son has um once upon a time he got his ears pierced. Both of them. And he wore earrings for a hot second and then he took him out and then I never saw him again. And she was like, "Baby, baby, what's this hole? What's this hole in your ear? What's this hole in?" I was like, "His ears used to be pierced." And she was just like, "You know what they going to say? They're going to ask him if he wears skirts, too."

[00:09:16]What? And she was just like, I mean, I know it's like the pride month or whatever for the for the BLT people, auntie, it's not the BLT people, it's the LGBTQIA.

[00:09:28]She was like, that's what I said for the BLT people.

[00:09:33]So, if I know in my day, if one side was pierced, that meant that you was with the BLTs, and if the other side was pierced, that meant you was the AC/DC.

[00:09:46]I I I first of all I have not heard AC/DC since uh the 70s, possibly the 80s. What for those who don't know AC/DC means you're bisexual, but I think that the LGBTQIA includes bisexual. So when I was a child, if you had one ear pierced, I forget which one. One symbolized that you were straight and the other side symbolized that you were bisexual or as they call it AC/DC. You know, like a power adapter. It could take AC power or DC power. It could go both ways. AC/DC.

[00:10:26]Y'all, I'm not ready. I thought I was ready.

[00:10:30]The girl came and cleaned the house. We had that tree that was leaning kind of funny. We got the the bushes trimmed up.

[00:10:36]The one big tree in the house got cut down in the backyard got cut down today.

[00:10:42]Now I have to remove the devil from my artwork. Uh my children, their tattoos, and I have to fill in the holes for my one son's earrings. How you fill in holes for the earring?

[00:10:54]I should have him just put on some hoop earrings and tell him like, "What you going to do now?" She worried about the BLT people. I can't. Y'all, I thought I was ready for graduation. I'm I'm not ready for graduation. I have not passed inspection. These women are going to be in their prayer closet praying for me the whole time they here over at the Marriott. I put them at the Marriott so they can talk about me in peace cuz I know they going to talk about me.

[00:11:19]What you want from me? That's just what they do. I have a level of acceptance about it. These people are trying to drive me crazy. Look, look, look, look, look, look.

[00:11:28]If you see auntie at the graduation, please don't tell her I was complaining about her or her sisters because she gets very sensitive. It's not that she cares. She just don't want me telling other people that they all a pain in the neck. Every single one of them. So, we just going to touch and agree that we going to keep this between ourselves.

[00:11:48]And you know how we do. You ain't heard none of this from me.