The Hidden Signs Someone Is Deeply Insecure | Chase Hughes

[00:00:00]What behaviors instantly reveal insecurity?

[00:00:03]>> The one thing man, I'm hesitant to reveal this. Within probably 60 [music] seconds in any conversation, you can identify these. I'm going to be abandoned by my friends. I'm going to get outcasted and judged. I have to keep hiding this. We carry stuff from childhood way too far into [music] adulthood without us ever knowing it.

[00:00:20]And this is all of us. And every time we're not dealing with a lot of that stuff directly, every time we hide it from someone [music] else, we're kind of over drafting everything in our life.

[00:00:28]>> How do you advise people to process emotions?

[00:00:30]>> Your body knows how to do it. Every mammal on earth does this automatically [music] and it is life changing.

[00:00:37]>> What behaviors instantly reveal insecurity?

[00:00:40]>> So, the mammalian fear response or insecurity response is a reduced arm swing, incomplete movements. So, like I'm going to reach for this and I'm going to stop and then kind of continue doing it. The movements aren't completed. You'll see a lot of that kind of stuff. And you'll see reduced eye contact in a downward motion. And biggest of all, you're going to see the body moving or staying in areas that protect arteries. This means you'll see a lot less of this. You'll see the humerus kind of sit in a little bit closer to the body while they're talking so the brachial artery is protected.

[00:01:13]You'll see the shoulders a little bit up in social situations that'll stay a little higher, their head coming down a little bit, protecting the carotid arteries. You'll see the arms in front of their body like this sometimes. This is called a fig leaf gesture.

[00:01:24]>> Cuz it's covering the genitals.

[00:01:26]>> Yeah, but it's also protecting the femoral arteries at the same time. And men are more likely to do that. Women are more likely to wrap a single arm around the abdomen like this while they're talking, like if they're insecure. And this is protecting the uterus area. When you're looking at the insecure behaviors, what you really want to look at, especially if there's two [music] people, is which person needs something more from the other person and which person is reacting to the other [music] person.

[00:01:52]>> How do you quickly spot someone's number one insecurity?

[00:01:55]>> The first thing is you need to spot what they need from other people. If I know what you need to be seen as from other people, I know what was missing in your childhood right [music] away. And there's six social needs, and these are significance, approval, acceptance, intelligence, pity, and power or strength. [music] It's not that I need to be powerful. It's not that I need to be significant or accepted. It's I need people to see that [music] I am those things. So, if you're just in a casual conversation and you hear somebody say, "Oh, yeah, I've been working there 20 years and still everybody calls me up even after I retired, they still call me and ask for my advice." You're hearing significance right away. If you hear, "Yeah, I actually worked there for 20 years. It was the greatest group of people. Everybody takes care of each other." Boom, acceptance. You're hearing it right away. Or if you hear somebody say, "Yeah, I worked at that company for 20 years, but that didn't mean I'm going to be good at this speech tomorrow. I always mess these things up." Just so you'll say, "Oh, no, Jack, you're going to do great. You're going to be really good. You did great last time. You know your stuff." That's approval. Or hear somebody say, "I worked at that company 20 years and it was right after I got my master's degree in blank and I wrote my paper on this, which [music] led me to a managerial position over there."

[00:03:01]Intelligence. Somebody says, "I've been working at that company 20 years and they never really pay attention to anybody. It was horrible. We had horrible hours coming in. Our boss was a total and I had to endure that for 20 years." Pity, strength, and power. Like I worked at that company 20 years and I was always the boss.

[00:03:18]Everybody looked up to me. Everybody asked me for advice and there was a lot of these little weak guys down in the sales department that couldn't make sales, but I went down there and I told them, you know, it was just the tough acting people. The pity needs person is one of the most confusing. It's not that they want pity. It's that they want you to understand how bad they had it or how much they went through. Our instinct with a pity person is to say, "No, man, it's not that bad. You know, it was pretty good. You got a good paycheck.

[00:03:44]You had a good time. Not all the bosses were assholes." That's not what they want. So, the moment you do that, it's like them knocking on your door and asking whether or not you're a drug dealer for the drug that they need and you're going, "No." Let's go through these six needs again. So, if I'm significance, I'm asking the question, "Do other people see me as significant?"

[00:04:02]So, do other people realize how bad I've had it? Do other people see me as powerful? But, each one of those carries with it a childhood wound of something that was missing or something that didn't get acknowledged. And we carry stuff from childhood way too far into adulthood without us ever knowing it.

[00:04:18]And this is all of us. Within probably 60 seconds in any conversation, you can identify these needs in listening to people. If I know your significance, I know that your fear [music] and your secret insecurity that not even your friends know is feeling insignificant and being left [music] out and not making a difference. It's so clear. And if your need is acceptance, I automatically know that your insecurity is being left [music] out, being exiled, or being made fun of in front of other people, or people laughing at you. If it's approval, it's that you're always right. All of your insecurities are >> [music] >> right and you're going to mess this up.

[00:04:51]So, people confirming that. If it's the intelligence thing, it's being seen as stupid or being publicly judged for not being smart. [music] If it's the pity thing, then your secret insecurity is no one's going to know what you've been through to get where you are. No one's going to acknowledge you ever. No one's going to understand you. So, each one of those we can see the insecurities very clearly. Just using the system, you can see deeper into a person's life than their family and their best friends and [music] it's extremely reliable.

[00:05:18]>> Like how people relax.

[00:05:19]>> What's the truth about emotional debt?

[00:05:21]>> Most people carrying around shame.

[00:05:23]Everybody thinks that they're the only one. If we're really, really honest with ourselves, like we conceal shame. There are a lot of institutions that are around today made shame into an institution, like social enforcement and shame. If I start becoming real, everyone's going to leave me. I'm going to be abandoned by my friends. I'm going to get outcast and judged. I have to keep hiding this. And everyone thinks it's just [music] them. The cool thing is that it's literally 100% of people.

[00:05:50]It's every single human being out there carrying the exact same as you, and they all think it's just them. It's saddening, but I think it's beautiful at the same time. We really do share a lot more in common, especially with the things that we hide from each other.

[00:06:04]When we encounter like emotional debt, this is typically when I'm a little kid, what are the patterns I had to develop to earn friends and keep friends, to feel safe or to attain some kind of social rewards like appreciation or love or something like that. If something in my childhood made one of those three things happen, friends, safety, and rewards, the brain says, "Oh, this worked. I'm going to make an app out of this shit." So, your brain makes an app and says, "I know exactly how to produce this thing." So, I'm going to make an app, and I'm going to run that app all the time. For the first couple years, it's an app that you're consciously clicking on in social situations. By the time you're like probably 12 or 13, that's solidified in your behavior. And then fast forward, you've got a 34-year-old woman working in an office who had to kiss some bully's ass in middle school, and that's all she does as an adult. We carry all these little childhood things without knowing it. Like, we're just this loaded childhood backpack. Every time we're not dealing with a lot of that stuff directly, every time we hide it from someone else, we're withdrawing from account. We're kind of overdrafting everything in our life. Concealment is one of the most cognitively exhausting things that there is when it comes to [music] human behavior. Like, just trying to act like you've got your together in a social situation, like faking it hard, is harder than calculus to our brains.

[00:07:24]>> [music] >> The costumes that we're wearing are just getting heavier and heavier because we keep adding stuff on it. I have to go my whole life knowing that no one's ever known me, and that sucks.

[00:07:33]>> And that's emotional debt.

[00:07:35]>> How do you advise people to process emotions so that it doesn't get deposited into the bank account or used to withdraw from the bank account?

[00:07:42]>> Physicality is the best. There's a guy, his name is Dr. David Berceli, and he invented this thing called trauma release exercise. It's been known that we go into these things called neurogenic tremors all the time, where our body looks like kind of like a little seizure. If you watch like a polar bear get tranquilized by some researchers, the polar bear is like laid out on the ground, but he's conscious.

[00:08:02]This polar bear goes through trauma, and what's the first thing that happens? The anesthesia thing starts wearing off, and his body goes into these convulsions and shaking movements and big breaths, and it's all completely autonomic. He's just letting his body do what it does.

[00:08:15]Squirrels do the same thing. After an impala gets [music] bit by a tiger >> Zebras do the same thing.

[00:08:19]>> Yeah, zebras. And Robert Sapolsky wrote a book about a lot of this stuff, about how nature knows what to do, doesn't suppress healing mechanisms. It's called Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. They figured out that humans suppress this tremor mechanism.

[00:08:32]>> Why do you think [music] that is? To avoid being seen as strange by the people around us?

[00:08:36]>> If I jiggle around on the floor in front of the tribe, they're going to think I'm sick. What if they throw me over the cliff like old Jimmy last year when he was sick?

[00:08:43]>> If nothing else, even if they correctly identify it, they don't think that you've got leprosy or you've gone insane. What they do know is that your capacity has been breached, which is an indication of weakness.

[00:08:53]>> Yeah. He's not teaching you a technique.

[00:08:55]He's just helping you to find the switch in your body that you've been suppressing that your entire life. Your body knows how to do it. Every mammal on Earth does this automatically, and it is life-changing, >> [music] >> and it's free.

[00:09:07]Hey, before you go, remember this.

[00:09:09]Insecurity does not just show up in words. It [music] leaks through the body. Reduced arm swing, incomplete movements, less eye contact. [music] What looks small on the surface is usually fear trying to stay covered, but the deeper tell is not in the gestures [music] themselves. It is the need for significance, approval, acceptance, intelligence, pity, [music] or power.

[00:09:34]Once you see what someone needs to be seen as, you start seeing the wound beneath it. [music] A lot of this starts in childhood. The patterns we build to feel safe, accepted, [music] or loved can keep running far into adulthood without us knowing it.

[00:09:47]>> [music] >> And the strangest part is this, the body already knows how to release what we have been suppressing [music] this whole time. So, maybe the answer is not learning something new, but finally allowing what was there all [music] along. Just one last thing, if you enjoy this kind of content and want more on human nature, subscribe. It helps the channel and I appreciate you being here.

[00:10:09]Stay sharp [music] and I'll see you in the next one.