Why you keep choosing the wrong people (it's not your fault)

[00:00:00]What's up, guys? Welcome back to my second channel. We're back in Dubai, not in Istanbul anymore.

[00:00:06]So, on my last video on my main channel, people kept commenting on my hair.

[00:00:10]They're like, "What's your hair care routine?" Guys, look, I'm back in Dubai now, and look how my hair's like straw.

[00:00:16]It's the water. I have no specific hair care routine.

[00:00:20]I swear it's just the water and the country you're in.

[00:00:25]That's the secret. And also get regular cuts. Anyway, today we're going to be discussing why do you keep picking the wrong partner? There is a spiritual and psychological reason behind it. So, we're going to explore these reasons, and then we're going to explore how you can pick differently for yourself next time. Now, if you're new to my channel, my name is Simone. I have a main channel called Simone Squared. And on both of my channels, we love to talk about psychology, manifestation, spirituality, and we like to blend it with science.

[00:00:56]So, I like to back up a lot of what I'm saying with research papers. First of all, we actually genuinely have a type, and this can be measured by research. In fact, a 9-year-long German longitudinal study found that people do tend to pick partners that are similar to themselves.

[00:01:15]And when you try to break this pattern, it's actually going against our unconscious sorting mechanism. That's why we're almost wired to go and search for that person over and over again, like in different people. And it can also come down to our attachment style, which we will talk about in a little bit. So, it's common that when a relationship ends, people tend to attribute the breakup to their ex-partner's personality and decide that they need someone with a different personality. However, research shows it is actually quite rare and challenging that we do go and date someone with a different personality, because our intention to break this pattern is going against this unconscious sorting mechanism. And also, our pattern starts when we are children. This is attachment theory. I talk about attachment theory nearly all of my videos. Guys, you might think I'm unhinged, okay? First date with someone, I give them the attachment style test. I was recently dating someone, right? And he was like the sweetest, most secure man I thought I had ever met. First date, I gave him the attachment style test. The quadrant showed secure on the extreme spectrum for every single area. And guess what? In relationships, he was in the fearful avoidant quadrant. And I remember looking at him and I'm thinking, "You really don't seem like a fearful avoidant at all, bro." Three weeks later, it jumped out in the most sudden way that I could have not predicted. So, really trust someone's attachment style test because trust, I'm not dealing with you if you're an avoidant. I'm not dealing with you. I would rather someone be anxious than avoidant. If you guys don't know what I'm talking about, go watch my attachment style video here.

[00:02:49]So, attachment theory, it comes from our relationship with our parents and how we received affection, love, and care as children. If your parents neglected you, it is very likely that you were avoidant. Your parents taught you to suppress your own emotions. Anxious, you're always trying to seek love and attention and affection from your parents. Secure, you had a healthy relationship with them. Fearful avoidant is the most extreme and it's a combination of both.

[00:03:14]Usually, we're mirroring the relationship we had with our parents in our adult relationships. So, if you find yourself to be extremely anxious, you're always trying to perform and receive love from your partners, you're typically going to go and seek out avoidant partners where you need to work very hard to receive that love and affection because to you, this is normal in childhood. While a secure person would probably be turned off by an avoidant partner because they'd be like, "Wait, why are you not naturally giving me this affection? Why is it not being reciprocated? This feels very wrong to me. I'm going to leave." And I'm going to go find someone who can reciprocate.

[00:03:51]And then someone who's avoidant, on the other hand, they're dating an anxious, they'll be like, "Ugh, like you're actually overwhelming me with love. Um it's freaking me out. It feels unnatural." And they would deactivate.

[00:04:02]And their brain will actually tell them, "We need to run away. We don't like them anymore. We're going to shut down."

[00:04:07]That's typically why these avoidants will come back months later because suddenly the the activation's gone. You were away from them. They feel safe being at a distance from you. And then all the good memories come up and they start to come back. This comes down to how safe we feel in our body, as well.

[00:04:24]And unfortunately, the only Not the only way, but the most efficient way for us to actually regulate and heal our attachment style is number one, you have to be conscious of it. You need to know what you are.

[00:04:36]And two, you have to find a partner that you can coregulate with. Meaning, if you're anxious, you actually have a partner that can teach you how to feel safe and regulated.

[00:04:46]And they don't enhance this anxious attachment you're feeling because unfortunately, a lot of girls, they are anxious. Maybe they've been cheated on, so they hyperfixate on their boyfriend's following, for example, or that his location. And then maybe she gets proved right. Okay, he is cheating. He is following new girls. So, her anxiety increases. And every time, this is just reinforcing to her that her intuition is correct. This type of girl will need a partner that is so secure and so stable that it's actually like shocking to her system, "Oh, wait. I I have no reason to be anxious. My partner I feel safe with him and I trust him." By the way, our brain is always going to choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

[00:05:28]So, going back to an earlier point I said, if the avoidant starts dating someone safe and secure, it's going to feel very unsafe to them, actually. It's not natural. That's why if you grew up in an abusive household where you've always seen violent you your nervous system was always activated in fight or flight, if you were in a safe relationship, it's going to feel extremely boring to you.

[00:05:53]That's why a lot of these toxic relationships, people think this is a spark. It is something so profound and meaningful and now they're with their safe vanilla boyfriends and this is not good for them. It is good. In fact, most relationships that are successful and long-lasting feel boring because the healthiest relationships, guys, they are built on friendship. And also, another point for my ladies out there, this is backed by research, don't sleep with a man for 3 months.

[00:06:22]6 months if you can help it, based on research, these are the longest lasting relationships and whenever I tell one of my guy friends about this, they'll be like, "Well, if two people like each other, they should just have sex. Why is it wrong to have sex on date three?"

[00:06:34]And everyone's different, you know, you hear of couples get married after they slept together on the first date, but they are the exception, not the rule.

[00:06:42]The rule is that men and women bond very differently. So, we've all heard men just want to sleep with you and it's true. It's true, okay? They would do anything to sleep with you. Now, if you want a long-lasting healthy relationship, it doesn't matter if he has sex with you on month three because guess what? If he wants you long-term, he's going to wait. He's going to wait as however long to make you comfortable because he can sleep with you for the rest of his life afterwards. He will wait and it won't be a problem. A guy who just wants access to your body, he's going to leave you so fast. And you might say, "Summer, but I'm scared he'll leave me." So, that's why you give him really quickly. Bro, that's the whole point. We want to weed out these men who just want your body.

[00:07:20]Yeah, men, they do not bond through sex.

[00:07:23]Women, we bond through sex. We get more oxytocin. That's why you might not even like that guy and then you sleep with him and suddenly you're like, "Wait, I love him." He's not feeling the same way. He bonds through time and investment with you. If you're sleeping with him so early on as well, your judgment of him is actually clouded by all of this ox- So, you need to wait 3 months because yeah, you're going to vet if he wants you for your body or not.

[00:07:46]Two, you're going to be able to see him very, very clearly. And when you sleep with him, it clouds all of his judgment.

[00:07:53]Also, think about this. Sex enhances the bond we actually have. You want to bond through having shared experiences together, getting to know each other outside of the bedroom. And then when you finally are intimate, that's just enhancing this bond you already have and deepening it. I've gone on a tangent here, okay? But if you're someone who tends to sleep with someone very fast, I would hold back on that, ladies. It is for your own benefit and also research has shown the relationships which are the healthiest and the longest lasting, they typically wait 3 to 6 months. Next, we tend to pick the same partners over and over again because we're actually trying to fix this wound within us. It's called trauma reenactment and it's where we're seeking out relationships which resemble the dynamics with our caregiver or maybe even your previous relationships. That's why a lot of women were like, "We're going to fix this guy." or "We're going to fix the next guy. I can fix him." Because you're actually just trying to fix yourself.

[00:08:48]Because if you fix him, you're fixing a part of yourself or that's what you think.

[00:08:53]Your personality type is going to dictate the type of partner you choose. Research has shown that people who are higher on extraversion and openness to new experiences, they actually have the most diverse range of partners. That can be linked to having a wider social circle and openness to date people outside of their familiar template. Now, how do we heal this? Research has shown that because this is actually a learned template, we can heal it. But the first step is awareness. You need to know what your attachment style is and you need to reflect on why do I keep experiencing the same type of man or woman over and over again. There is a part of me that is subconsciously attracting it. And also, if you know that you're anxious, you know that you need to learn regulation techniques and you need to pick someone who is secure cuz otherwise you're probably most likely picking an avoidant partner because avoidant and anxious individuals they are actually magnetically attracted to one another.

[00:09:50]It is the most common pairing.

[00:09:52]But if you're an anxious you can become secure over time but you're going to need the help of a secure partner to do that who can show you that you can have safety. So research identifies three primary mechanisms for earning this new security. Number one is actually therapy. You can't do this without therapy in my opinion.

[00:10:11]There is only [snorts] so much reading that attachment style book is going to do. You need someone to help you in real time. It's not something that's usually fixed in a couple of months. Also number two is having a long-term relationship with a securely attached partner. If you can't have a relationship then you need a therapist who is like a rock for you who can show up for you consistently.

[00:10:33]Now I had therapists that I didn't trust. There was just something in me I didn't trust them. So I felt like they didn't help me a lot and that's why I always say therapy's like dating you might have to switch around a little bit until you find a therapist that you feel safe and comfortable with.

[00:10:48]Because if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist or they're a bit wishy-washy you're not going to trust them subconsciously especially if you have an anxious or avoidant personality type.

[00:10:59]And that's why I love BetterHelp because I'm thanking you BetterHelp for being the paid partner of today's video.

[00:11:03]BetterHelp makes starting therapy so easy. All you need to do is fill out a questionnaire and usually within a couple of days they will pair you with a therapist for you. But going back to therapy's like dating if you don't like your therapist and you don't trust them you can simply switch for free of charge. For me this is one of the biggest selling points of online therapy especially with BetterHelp because if you don't like your therapist which is so common and I say this on my videos guys it is unlikely your first therapist is going to be a match. You're going to have to change probably.

[00:11:32]BetterHelp just makes it easy, and it's free to do, and it's like you do it at your home, click of a button, you change therapist. But, if you do in-person therapy, you've got to go to a doctor, get a new referral, drive to the new clinic, try, try, try, so much time, so much money. And especially if you're going through something mentally, I think this is actually such a roadblock to healing. It's like you don't want to go through this big obstacle. That's why Betterhelp, I love it. You pay online, use my code to get 10% discount of your first month of therapy, guys, and get started on your journey from the comfort of your own home. You can schedule a a video call, you can text them, which I love, text them anytime, night or day, whenever. So, join the 6 million people who have signed up with Betterhelp and earning a 4.8 star rating on the App Store. Use my link right here to get 10% off your first month of therapy with Betterhelp. You need to have a reflective process of early attachment experiences. So, actually, my attachment style used to be fearful avoidant, which was the worst. Now, I'm just anxious. I can be anxious secure, depending on who I'm with, which is like a huge jump. If you know what A's are like, bro, this is a huge jump. When I was a lot younger and I had no idea what my attachment style is, if people tried to get close to me, I would sabotage, and I would run away, and then I would be anxious. Now, actually, my instinct is never to run away. It's actually to get closer. While, unfortunately, if you're like a pure avoidant and you have no idea, by the way, avoidants are like the least likely to do this work because they are so avoidant. They just think they lost interest. Some of them don't even know they're avoidant. They're like, "Well, I just lost interest in that person." Bro, it's cuz you're avoidant. Like, do your work on yourself. You need to recalibrate what chemistry means to you.

[00:13:07]Some people will really read having a dysregulated nervous system as excitement with this person. And like, especially if they've got you on some type of intermittent reinforcement schedule, they're doing hot and cold to you, this may seem really exciting to you because it's unfamiliar. And remember going back to our conversation about sex. Guys, there is no need to rush anything. If you want to heal, you have to slow down this timeline. All good things are built in time. Things that start fast will end fast as well.

[00:13:36]You might say to yourself, "I saw this couple on TikTok." Or my parents, they got married in like 2 days. Yeah, they are the exception, they're not the rule.

[00:13:43]If you can slow this courtship down, you're actually denying your old patterns and starting a new pattern that is slow, and it gives your prefrontal cortex time to actually weigh in alongside your limbic system and figure out if this person is even right for you or not, especially if you're not having sexual intercourse with them so early on. Then you're not going to have clouded judgment. Cuz unfortunately, there are really guys out there who get off on just the chase. They love to do everything to chase you, pursue you, and then they dip. That's why you hear a lot of girls say the man you had at the beginning is not the man you're going to have later on.

[00:14:19]Or why did he do everything for me and then he suddenly switched up? It's because some of these guys, they are not healed. Healed is not even the right word. They are not aware of their own patterns. And if they are consistently chasing one girl after the other, they're running from something in themselves fundamentally, because a man who needs multiple women is running from himself. And using women as a source of validation. He will chase, chase, chase.

[00:14:43]He gets you, he leaves.

[00:14:45]This is why when you slow everything down, and you can actually see consistency over a long period of time, and you can see what someone really is.

[00:14:54]And more than that, you need to meet their family. You need to meet their friends, the people in their community.

[00:15:00]Because if your partner seems like the biggest green flag, but all of his friends are like playboys, red flags, none of them are in healthy relationships, dude, it's very unlikely he's going to be the odd one out, because we pick people who are similar to us. If you see that all his friends are very green flags, they're in long-term relationships, they treat you with respect, they talk about women with respect, his parents, especially, have a healthy dynamic. They love each other.

[00:15:25]And look at how the dad treats the mom, by the way, because how the dad treats the mom is how he's going to treat you.

[00:15:30]And that's what he expects of you, as well. If his mother is like a slave at home, he will expect you to do the same things his mother did. Remember, rule, not exception. One of [snorts] my girlfriends, she left a marriage a couple of years ago, and now she has the most amazing man, and she's like, "For the first time, I can just exist and be loved. I don't have to do anything to prove myself." While her previous partner would always say, "Provide value or die. Like, you have to do that that that that that in order to be worthy of my love." And she said, "The first thing I did in my new relationship was I looked at the dynamic between my partner's parents." And she saw that the mother didn't work. They had a cleaner, they had a chef. The mother was, honestly, just really enjoying her life, and the dad just loved her for her, and loved to take care of her. While a lot of guys, they're not looking for a woman as a person to love, like we are, as women.

[00:16:24]They are looking for a woman or a wife as a means to an end. Even the poorest of men can afford a chef and a cleaner, and a bang maid in this economy.

[00:16:36]Think about that. By the way, I love this girl's videos. I love her, guys.

[00:16:39]Watch her on TikTok. Next, watch actions way more than to words, because people can promise you the world, and they won't fulfill it.

[00:16:47]And I also like to think about how do I feel after I've been with them, not during the time I've been with them, cuz it's very easy to feel on top of the world when you're with them. They're giving you so much attention and love.

[00:16:58]And then what happens afterwards? Do they disappear for a few days? Is the communication poor? Do you get anxious?

[00:17:04]That gap is more important than when you're in front of him. I find, especially if you're beautiful, when you're beautiful, girl, you're going to get the best treatment when they're in front of you. You can get away with saying anything if like a beautiful woman is in front of you. And then when they're away from you, are they still putting in that same effort to make you feel good? Are they still responding to what you're saying properly? So, a good partner is someone who's always going to be consistent, no matter what. When you start to pick new partners who are very different from your usual type of partner, like I said, it's going to feel a little boring. You might be like, "What am I doing?" You have to push through that and continue to do your own work. It will be especially hard if you're not over your ex and your previous relationship was very, very toxic because every relationship afterwards is just going to feel boring to you. I've seen TikToks that say, "When I wear like a scandalous outfit in front of my new boyfriend and he said, you look beautiful, babe, but my ex would have said, I'm going to beat up every man who looks at you. Go and take that off."

[00:18:02]So, that's what is exciting to you, like that jealousy and that that feeling wanted because the way your ex communicated is how you then learned to feel loved and wanted and needed, while your new man, who's actually objectively healthier, his way of saying, "I love you. You're wanted. You're needed." is by saying, "You look really beautiful, babe. I'm actually supporting that you're wearing this outfit." And that will feel boring to you, but you need to even tell yourself that this is how I deserve to be loved. And you need to figure out how do you want to be loved? And then run a strict program and don't let anyone love you in a way that's going to make you feel less than. Something that's so important, I think, for both genders is one to figure out how you want to be loved. If you're in like a relationship right now or you're dating someone and they don't make you feel this way and as women we tend to make a lot of excuses and think, "It's going to get better.

[00:18:55]It's going to get better." By the way, know that a man will never date you for your potential. He dates you for the now. Look at that partner right now and say to yourself, "Is this how I want to be loved for the rest of my life?" If it's a no, then they've got to go because I promise you there is a partner out there in the world, guys, for you.

[00:19:13]It might be the only person in the world, but guess what? They are still out there for you. We're talking spiritually about the reasons we subconsciously attract the same partner.

[00:19:21]It's because, yeah, we haven't done the work, and maybe a part of us likes to attract this type of person. For example, I realized like a lot of my past relationships, I could meet a really amazing guy, but because deep down, sometimes I think I like to cosplay being hurt or sad, especially like I'll put on a Madison Beer and Olivia Rodrigo song and be like, "Babe boy, honey [laughter] bee, no." I'll like listen to these songs, and I could be dating someone like secure and amazing and treats me well, but then I will want to feel sad deep down and really enjoy this emotion in the relationship, and I would somehow conjure up a situation that would ultimately end badly, and it would happen like every single time. And my friend said to me, "You like being sad.

[00:20:04]Not in like in relationships, you like being sad." All my relationships, I would be crying, bro. All of them. When I clocked that, and I I had to fix that pattern and be like, "Well, why do I want to be sad in relationships?" Oh, it's because subconsciously I also want an excuse to get out of them. Why?

[00:20:21]Because like subconsciously I also don't want to be with them. You know, you can go deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. Anyways, guys, did you know that attachment work actually takes 1 to 3 years of consistent work? So, don't expect it to just be overnight. The first step is awareness, get a therapist, and yeah, I'll see you guys next time on my main channel and my second channel.

[00:20:40]See you, baby. Cheers.