THIS Is Why Avoidants Often Seem Secure When You First Meet Them

[00:00:00]Secure attachment and dismissive avoidant attachment styles can actually look strikingly similar in the first couple of months that you date them. And so in today's video, I'm going to break down first of all, why this actually happens and the important distinguishing factors that can help you really understand the difference. And before I go into these three points and then some really important signs that somebody might be a dismissive avoidant, I want to know has this ever happened to you where you thought somebody was secure and it turned out they actually weren't.

[00:00:27]Let me know in the comments.

[00:00:33]I want to start by just going through three major points. Point number one is it when there is low intimacy and low vulnerability, dismissive avoidants don't have as much to defend against yet or to risk. So there's no visible need to deactivate and protect. What you'll often see is dismissive avoidants, they grow up with conditioning because of their childhood and earlier experiences that basically says if you get into a relationship, your needs are not really going to get met, you're going to feel engulfed or trapped and you're going to usually be neglected or shamed for your emotional experiences. And they don't necessarily get into that kind of dynamic because their parents are necessarily mean or cruel. A lot of times it's just because children are wired for attunement and if they do not get enough attunement emotionally, they register that as a form of neglect that then makes them feel trapped in their relationships and shamed for even having emotions and then emotional needs for attunement at all.

[00:01:25]And so what you have is a child whose nervous system is literally reacting to these subconsciously stored beliefs from their conditioned experiences going, okay, I literally am going to be in a relationship and as soon as I feel vulnerable, it means that I'm automatically going to feel trapped and I'm going to feel like my needs can't get met. And so they end up in a dynamic where as soon as they actually get close and they actually attach, that's when they feel vulnerable and that's when all of those stored associations get triggered. Point number two of three here, you'll see that basically what happens is dismissive avoidants until they actually attach to somebody, these stored up conscious associations don't come up. In fact, you'll see this for all attachment styles. Every single attachment style, they don't actually show their attachment stuff until they're in a position where they actually feel attached and feel deep romantic connection to somebody, specifically around the point when they start leaning on somebody to meet their needs. And this is why you'll generally see that dismissive avoidance start pulling back and trying to run away around four or five months in when they get closer to making a commitment. And that shutdown number one, shutdown number two is a year and a half to two years into the relationship where if they haven't done the work to become secure, they really retreat emotionally even while in a relationship dynamic with somebody else. What you'll see is up until that point dismissive avoidance generally come in and they're comfortable being themselves. They share a little bit more. They're trying to charm you or pursue you because they don't feel threatened by attraction.

[00:02:49]They feel threatened by vulnerability and attachment. And so when you see that there's still this attraction and infatuation stage, they tend to do quite well there. But as things move on and get a little bit deeper, that's where things start to become threatening. So I want to tell you one more really important point. But we're going to go through the actual symptoms in just a moment of when somebody is going to end up being dismissive avoidant and how to tell much earlier. Now if you want to dive way deeper into this pattern before we finish the rest of this video, you can actually check out the course all about self-love and strengthening self-love and self-compassion in the relationship to yourself, which will obviously be a useful companion along the way. And you get to keep that literally for free for life. So check those out using the link below.

[00:03:32]Okay, so let's go through some major signs that somebody might be dismissive avoidant even if they're showing up in their best behavior early on. Number one, they usually have a series of shorter lived relationships. This isn't always the case, but quite frequently is. For example, you may see dismissive avoidant sort of seem to have this history of six-month relationships, two-year relationships, but they never really seem to make it past the 2-year mark. That's a very common theme. Number two, dismissive avoidance naturally prioritize and feel more comfortable in intellectual connection rather than emotional and romantic connection. So, while they may give compliments a little bit earlier on because they feel less threatened, they're not necessarily opening up their emotional world super deeply. They tend to talk more about their thoughts, their opinions, their philosophies around things instead of talking about their feelings, their emotions. And they'll tend to state things about their day or their week in a more factual sense. So, they'll say, "Oh, this happened today for me." Not, "I felt this way when this happened."

[00:04:28]And if you actually ask them how they felt or what their emotional experience was, you'll see sometimes that they're a little bit blank in that area. They don't really know what to say or how to communicate that. They go back to talking about their thoughts and ideas about things. Another really important sign here is that you may see dismissive avoidants are very logical, very grounded. And when you talk about commitment or the future, they may freeze up or deflect very quickly.

[00:04:50]You'll also see they tend to want to avoid their own emotional experiences.

[00:04:54]And they're much more sensitive to criticism than they let on. Another really big sign they may be dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidants tend to shut down if they get criticized or naturally really feel this need to go into this rebuttal. Some other dead giveaways is that dismissive avoidants need a lot of space and time. They tend to be present when they're with you in relationships, but they're not really big texters and they may even answer text messages in short words, very short sentences, and be really brief and to the point. Now, of course, that doesn't necessarily guarantee that somebody is a dismissive avoidant, but those are some really great easy signals to look for at the beginning so that you can actually understand whether somebody is dismissive avoidant or secure since dismissive avoidants and really all three insecure attachment styles don't necessarily show the full force of their attachment patterns until they actually attach. That is it for today. If you enjoyed this video and don't want to miss any giveaways or shares that we do on this channel, make sure you like, share, and subscribe to this channel, and I will see you next time. Thanks for watching.