people get fomo, i get ”fobi”

[00:00:00]You know what the funny thing is? People get FOBY. But I literally get FOBY.

[00:00:08]The fear of being included.

[00:00:11]And people want to be invited to things and be included in social events or parties.

[00:00:21]But I literally when the few times that I get included in things or have been like in the past, I literally start to question my own existence.

[00:00:35]I start to regret even like agreeing in the first place.

[00:00:43]I literally dread the plans so much.

[00:00:48]And I think I I only like the idea of having plans and having a social life more than actually living it.

[00:01:03]Because like yeah, it's it's like having abs, basically.

[00:01:11]You like the idea and the concept of having abs, but you don't like the lifestyle that comes with it.

[00:01:19]And that's that's so me. Like I I thought that I was like lonely and I wanted friends.

[00:01:33]Because yeah, at some like from time to time, I feel lonely and I start to question like, is this is this the life that I want? Do I want to be all alone? Do I want to be invited to things?

[00:01:50]But like I I have realized that maybe it's just the pressure from society.

[00:01:58]Because people are always like, "Oh, you know, go out and do stuff and live live your youth. It's your best years. Go and enjoy yourself." And you know, it's also this pressure of being extroverted and being popular and being where everybody else is.

[00:02:23]And you know, experiencing so much all the time. It feels like a competition of who can experience the most stuff in life. And the more you experience and the more people you have around you, the more valuable you are in a way.

[00:02:46]And I feel like why I always question myself like, "Okay, so if I say that I want friends, then why don't I go out more? Why don't I live up to the things that I say that I want?"

[00:03:06]And you know, I think it's because when you are included, I feel such a pressure that I always have to live up to people's expectations. You know, they they expect me to to always be available and to always, you know, answer their calls or Snapchat with them or text them or whatever.

[00:03:36]And and always say yes to everything, or else they will get hurt by it. They will think that I don't like them. And I'm someone who values, you know, my own freedom and autonomy very much.

[00:03:55]And it's like it feels too much pressure when you constantly have to be available for everybody else.

[00:04:03]And that just makes me exhausted, to be honest. And And I also feel like I have such a hard time trusting people.

[00:04:17]And you know, I don't really like small talk.

[00:04:24]I don't like to having to get to know someone and And because I can hear I can hear all the lies they are telling me and how they are trying to impress me all the time.

[00:04:39]And to me that's very exhausting.

[00:04:41]And it just kills the vibe, you know, for me. It I don't like ingenuine conversations.

[00:04:49]And I like to, you know, discuss the deeper topics, the more vulnerable topics.

[00:05:00]And when I feel like I'm vulnerable and it doesn't really respond well, then I I get so embarrassed, you know. I feel like what am I even doing here? Why why do I even bother with all of these people when when you know, I can be happy alone?

[00:05:25]Because I feel like I I am so used to being alone.

[00:05:30]So like I am so used to my routines and I feel such I find a safety in my routines because I know that I know what I get. I know how I will feel.

[00:05:48]And when I have plans, I have to like recalibrate my whole life and my whole routines.

[00:05:57]And you know, I can't get to bed at the same time.

[00:06:03]And to me, it's a big deal.

[00:06:05]It is a big deal for me. Like I'm I might sound crazy or, you know, like like a maniac.

[00:06:16]And that's okay. You can think that, but for me it's really important to you know, to to have my routine and to know to feel safe.

[00:06:33]Yeah.

[00:06:35]Because I spend when I do get invited into things, I spend so much of my energy like wishing that the plans will get canceled.

[00:06:50]>> [laughter] >> And I I also spend so much energy into preparing for the answers that might come or you know, the awkward situations.

[00:07:05]And that's even more exhausting than the actual plans, you know?

[00:07:12]And I'm not somebody who who actually likes to go out and party.

[00:07:18]Like I have never been to a club. I've never been out clubbing.

[00:07:23]I don't drink.

[00:07:25]And you know, you always get those questions like why don't you drink? Why don't you, you know, eat unhealthy? Why don't you like no.

[00:07:38]I'm so tired of the same questions over and over again and I don't feel accepted the way that I am, you know?

[00:07:49]And maybe the reason why I don't go out and actually try to make friends is because maybe it's not for me. Maybe maybe I don't do it for myself. I do it for society, you know?

[00:08:17]Maybe because there are people who are homebodies and genuinely enjoy it. So maybe that's me.

[00:08:28]And like I have slowly started to realize that I am actually somebody who prefers to be at home rather than being around a lot of people or you know, being someone who is who socializes a lot.

[00:08:50]And I have always been embarrassed about that. I felt I I felt like it was wrong and that it was shameful to be a homebody because I've always been shamed for it in a weird way. Like why is it so shameful? I don't know. And I've always been yeah, called boring for it and like you know, felt like it was something weird with me.

[00:09:25]But you know, everyone is different, so and that should also be okay.

[00:09:32]Like I have slowly started to accept that this is my life. I I find peace in my own solitude.

[00:09:47]And you know, that's a beautiful thing in a way because yeah, we all we all have to face our own loneliness sometime in our life and the fact that I am able to to actually find pleasure in it and not feel the need to constantly distract myself with a lot of people like it's such a freeing feeling and that is actually the ultimate freedom in life to actually be able to be by yourself and enjoy your own company because how many people can actually do that like I've seen people who can't can't even go alone walk alone on the streets without having the need to constantly call someone.

[00:10:47]And the fact that I can just enjoy walking all by myself and enjoying my own thoughts and get lost in my own imagination.

[00:10:59]Like that's that's freedom for me and when I think about it I have always actually even as a child I preferred being alone than being with my friends back then when I actually had friends because back in when we had breaks between classes and this is when I was like I wasn't aware of you know social norms yet and I would literally tell my friends like, I want to be alone.

[00:11:37]And I would walk away from my friends and just sit alone in the schoolyard and just think.

[00:11:48]Yeah, I would just sit alone and think.

[00:11:52]And they would come after me because they thought I was sad or anything, but I was like, no.

[00:11:57]I just want to be alone and I will enjoy being you when I when I feel like I want to join you.

[00:12:04]And eventually they learned and was like, okay, she's just going to do her thing.

[00:12:09]>> [snorts] >> But then I got persuaded by society and I felt weird for doing that all the time.

[00:12:19]So yeah, I then started to try to fit in, which just you know, ruined my life because deep down I didn't want to, but I did it just to fit in and it made me feel like I wasn't living my and being my genuine self.

[00:12:40]Yeah, I'm just rambling. I don't know.

[00:12:42]But like, if you are like me and you feel like you have to be around people, but deep inside you don't want to, that's okay.

[00:12:52]Like we're all different.

[00:12:55]And it's okay to want a different life and want to walk a different path of life. Like, that is totally okay. You don't have to to try to fit in because it won't make you happier.

[00:13:11]And essentially, like living from your authentic self, that will make you happy.

[00:13:22]So yeah, I give you permission to to enjoy your life in solitude.

[00:13:29]Because I will.

[00:13:31]So yeah, that is all I wanted to say. So like, subscribe, and yeah. Thank you.

[00:13:36]Bye.