To heal anxious attachment, you must let go (not of love).

[00:00:00]If you want to heal your anxious attachment, there is one thing you need to do, and that is letting go.

[00:00:07]I know it sounds scary because most people here let go and go, "Oh, so I have to stop loving, I have to stop caring, and I have to stop wanting a relationship." [clears throat] And that's not at all what we're talking about here.

[00:00:21]We mean letting go of the grip.

[00:00:25]Yes, the grip. The grip on the outcome, the grip on the person, the grip on needing the constant reassurance that everything is okay. Because anxious attachment is not really a struggle with love, it's more of a struggle with certainty.

[00:00:41]And I have a question for you. When someone takes a little too long to reply, what hurts the most? Is it the delay itself, or is it the uncertainty that comes with the delay?

[00:00:54]Because you don't know what they're doing, you don't know everything, and you start filling in the gaps with your mind.

[00:01:02]And then you start overthinking it because the uncertainty is too strong and it hurts so much. So you start wondering, are they losing interest? Are they pulling away? Am I worthy of their attention? Is something wrong? Etcetera.

[00:01:17]And by doing that, you don't realize that you're not actually seeking reassurance, you're actually seeking certainty.

[00:01:25]And what's fascinating about all of this is that most of these things aren't really happening, but your nervous system does not react to facts, but reacts to perceived danger. Because for someone with anxious attachment, uncertainty feels often like real danger.

[00:01:43]So in order to get rid of that danger, you start checking your phone, you start reading messages, you start checking if they posted a new story, and you start wondering if you have done something wrong. And these investigations are just a way for you to stop feeling like you're in danger. And when they end up reassuring you, you feel a great relief, but only for a short time, because the anxiety comes back again.

[00:02:11]That's the thing about anxious attachment, because reassurance was never really the cure. It was just a painkiller. It only removes discomfort temporarily, but it does not heal the wound behind the anxious attachment. And the real wound comes underneath the belief that says that you will not be okay unless you have someone, and unless that person gives you the attention that you want.

[00:02:39]That's why healing anxious attachment only comes from letting go of the grip.

[00:02:45]Healing anxious attachment often comes with letting go of the need to always know, because there is no existing relationship that provides absolute certainty. Relationships often come with so many uncertainties, and so many moments where you have to wonder and doubt. But, you learn to accept that these moments of doubt are part of the relationship, and you learn to reassure yourself alone.

[00:03:14]You can still be loved and still not know what tomorrow brings.

[00:03:18]You can still be chosen and still have no control over the future.

[00:03:24]No, because it's also part of the human being. Secure people don't become secure because they always have absolute certainty on things. They become secure because they learn to cope with the uncertainty and sit with it, and they know that it's part of life. They only learn how to reassure themselves, and that's the only skill that differs from someone who is anxious and someone who is secure.

[00:03:50]They also don't get dragged in easily in the stories of how unlovable they are that their minds creates.

[00:03:58]They witness their thoughts without becoming them, and that's an absolute skill to learn.

[00:04:04]A secure person thinks, "This can work out, and if it does not, I will be okay." An anxious person thinks, "I need this to work out, and if it does not work out, I will not be okay. My life will crumble." You see, there's a big difference in the attitude.

[00:04:22]Cuz people with anxious attachments often make themselves suffer with their own thoughts. They just don't notice it.

[00:04:30]When you need something to work out, every delay in a text feels like a real threat.

[00:04:36]Every disagreement feels like your life is ending or about to end, and that's not freedom. It feels more like prison.

[00:04:45]When you hope something works out without control, you can still care deeply without losing yourself in the process. Cuz that's what letting go is.

[00:04:55]It's moving from I need this thing to I would love this thing. And it's also moving from I absolutely need this person to survive to I deeply value and care for this person, but if they leave, I will still be okay, and everything will be all right.

[00:05:15]And no, it does not happen overnight because anxious attachment often depends on a fear that says, "If someone leaves me, then maybe there's something wrong with me." And that fear was probably born from your childhood because love felt unpredictable. Because your caregivers gave you hot and cold, and sometimes you had to doubt yourself. Sometimes you had to wonder if they still loved you.

[00:05:42]And that's okay.

[00:05:45]Cuz I don't believe that you can have the perfect childhood. I mean, it exists for some people, but it's really rare.

[00:05:53]That's why when you start looking for an anxious attachment community, you find a lot of people with different experiences.

[00:06:01]And that's reassuring.

[00:06:04]It's reassuring because you know that you're not alone.

[00:06:08]And let's say it again. Someone leaving does not mean you're unlovable.

[00:06:13]Someone pulling away does not mean you're not enough.

[00:06:17]If someone stops choosing you tomorrow, it does not decrease your value.

[00:06:23]And yet so many people spend years chasing that feeling because they think that their value depends on someone else's presence. And that's so exhausting.

[00:06:35]Cuz they keep asking the wrong question.

[00:06:37]They keep asking, does this person love me? Am I enough? Instead of wondering, do I love myself and believe that someone's presence does not define how lovable or unlovable I am.

[00:06:52]And there is a deeper question. Do I love myself enough to believe that I do not constantly need proof that I am lovable?

[00:07:04]And that's where the work is and that's where healing lives. Cuz you don't need more reassurance. You will never get enough reassurance.

[00:07:13]You need to start asking the right questions and then wondering what is the belief underneath and when was this belief born? And then you start asking more questions about that belief. You start trying to rewire and change the narrative in your mind. And then you start rewriting the belief. You go from I need constant reassurance and validation in order to feel valued to I am valued and deeply worthy of love, no matter what happens.

[00:07:46]I am worthy of love just for existing.

[00:07:50]And when you start working on these beliefs and you start acting like a person who believes these things, you're giving your brain more proof that they are real. And that's when you become less anxious and more secure.

[00:08:05]Because you cannot find the perfect partner. That does not exist. And you also learn that you cannot stop people from leaving. You cannot convince people of your worth. If someone refuses to see your worth, you're out. And that's it.

[00:08:21]That's also what detachment is about.

[00:08:25]Secure people are detached. They stay composed even when their worst fears show up because they learned how to reassure themselves and how to be there for themselves.

[00:08:36]And yes, secure people feel fear. Secure people have moments of doubt, but they decide to not obey to their fears and doubts.

[00:08:47]Anxious attachment is like an addiction.

[00:08:49]The more you feed the insecurity, the wound, and the fear, the more it strengthens.

[00:08:55]And let me tell you something. The reality is often way calmer than the anxiety is trying to tell.

[00:09:03]If you're healing anxious attachment, stop asking, "How do I stop things from going wrong?"

[00:09:10]Because my dear, that's an impossible question.

[00:09:13]And instead, you can ask, "How do I trust and love myself enough that I will feel okay even if I don't know what's going to happen?"

[00:09:25]Because healing isn't becoming someone who does not feel anxious.

[00:09:29]Healing comes when you understand that your peace cannot depend on things that you cannot control.

[00:09:36]And the things that you cannot control are other people, situations, jobs, long list.

[00:09:45]Healing also comes with understanding that your worth does not arise and fall with someone else's attention.

[00:09:52]Because believe me, love should never feel like survival.

[00:09:57]Even if your nervous system used to tell you that.

[00:10:01]Love is something you can enjoy, not something you survive. And the moment you understand that, something beautiful changes.

[00:10:10]And for the first time, you start experiencing relationships from a place of freedom instead of a place of fear.

[00:10:17]And it's amazing.

[00:10:19]So, if there's one thing I want you to remember from this video, is that healing anxious attachment comes from letting go.

[00:10:28]Not letting go of love, but letting go of that limiting belief that says that your worth depends on whether someone chooses you or not.

[00:10:38]Your worth should never depend on something external. Never.

[00:10:43]Because you will become unhappy.

[00:10:45]And you want to be happy, right?

[00:10:48]And I hope you guys enjoyed this video, and I'll see you in the next one.

[00:10:53]Bye.