Don't Worry, I'm Still Alive

[00:00:01]Alright, we are on our way to try a restaurant that my patrons voted on, I think like 2 weeks ago.

[00:00:07]I've been on a little bit of a break.

[00:00:08]I'm going to tell you all about that after we go have lunch.

[00:00:11]I think it's a Mexican place that invited us.

[00:00:13]Actually, did they invite us?

[00:00:14]I might have to pay for this.

[00:00:15]Either way, I'm not going to tell you about it unless we like it, so I'll check in with you here in a moment.

[00:00:23]Abri Soba.

[00:00:26]I should have known better with the name.

[00:00:28]I don't know why I thought this was going to be Mexican, but soba noodles, cold noodles.

[00:00:31]For a hot day.

[00:00:32]The karaage was really good.

[00:00:34]Salsa came in, was really good.

[00:00:36]The wine selection looks super interesting.

[00:00:38]Nice vibe, very friendly staff.

[00:00:40]And in a part of Paris most of you probably have never been to.

[00:00:43]A lot of you may have— have you really visited this spot by Cadet?

[00:00:47]I doubt most people have been here.

[00:00:48]Get off the beaten path, check this out.

[00:00:49]I'm going to give you a long update, and then we have a video to film this afternoon.

[00:00:54]Oui. What was I going to say?

[00:00:55]Oh, yeah, I'm still alive. Well, that hit the spot.

[00:00:57]Thanks to Steve Kurtz and all my patrons for voting on that.

[00:01:00]You want to vote on more random restaurants that are either on my list or that have invited me. That's how we make it.

[00:01:06]Basically, people offer me a free meal.

[00:01:08]We do it on condition that they allow my patrons to vote on what place I go to get that free meal.

[00:01:13]And that kind of keeps it, you know, I feel like that keeps it a little bit more above board, right? And it's fun.

[00:01:17]Anyways, patreon.com/jayswanson.

[00:01:19]Let me give you an update as to what's going on in life right now, because there's a lot.

[00:01:23]And I already tried recording this once, then immediately forgot that I launched a book.

[00:01:27]Like, people have asked multiple times, like, how it's been going, and I'm like, going?

[00:01:31]It's kind of gone.

[00:01:33]I decided I was too miserable in my room with the heat.

[00:01:37]And so let's sit outside and talk for a second.

[00:01:39]Looking for a breezy and shady location that is not full of random people if I can help it.

[00:01:48]I have taken a bit of a break from vlogging, which has come up a lot in comments. And messages, which is very nice.

[00:01:54]People checking in, make sure I'm still alive and okay.

[00:01:57]I'm fine.

[00:01:57]But it has been a little bit of a stretch here after launching the book.

[00:02:02]I think the crash was caused by a number of things.

[00:02:05]I had a friend that asked how I felt on my way to the book launch party that we threw, and I said I felt like I was on my way to an execution, my own execution.

[00:02:15]And it's a little bit extreme, but I think a lot of it's because the vulnerability in the book, all the buildup to it, The fact that we were going to be talking in front of 150, 200 people, however many people showed up.

[00:02:25]It's just a long buildup, and the vlogging daily is taking a lot, and that's something I want to talk about.

[00:02:29]So I've got a couple of questions for you as viewers at the end of this video that I would love your input on.

[00:02:36]So please leave comments below on that if you feel like it.

[00:02:38]If not, that's fine.

[00:02:41]But I should probably start by saying, like, I'm good.

[00:02:43]I'm a little bit overwhelmed.

[00:02:44]There's a lot going on.

[00:02:46]I crashed, like I said, really hard.

[00:02:47]I was supposed to take all of July off.

[00:02:49]And that got scrapped because we had a really cool opportunity come up aligned with my podcast with the Atelier.

[00:02:58]And the Atelier falling through was another big gut punch.

[00:03:01]I made a video about that recently.

[00:03:02]I was keeping it secret because I was like, okay, let's make sure everything goes through first and then we can share the story of moving in and kitting it out and all that.

[00:03:09]But in the end, I think it works out better in a lot of ways.

[00:03:13]Definitely for the story, I want to bring you along for finding a place.

[00:03:16]The reasoning and everything else.

[00:03:17]I think for the sponsor, the really big sponsor that has come on board to be a part of it, they've been super supportive.

[00:03:23]They sent me a bunch of iPhones, which I will show you in another video for kitting it out because we got to make videos out of all this too.

[00:03:28]You can't just do audio. There's a lot of really cool stuff.

[00:03:31]And so we jumped on the opportunity.

[00:03:32]And even though the atelier part fell through, we still have a lot of work to do to keep the whole thing going because we set the thing in motion.

[00:03:41]We just don't have a home for it.

[00:03:43]But I think that makes for a really good story because the podcast now is a story about transitions.

[00:03:47]My transition into hopefully a new space, the transitions of my friends Jane with her new business.

[00:03:54]She got accepted to Station F, France's most famous tech incubator, as a woman in an AI field, which I feel like is a pretty rare feat.

[00:04:05]Very proud of her. So we're going to follow that story.

[00:04:07]And then Paul, running all the major marathons in his 40th year on this planet.

[00:04:12]And Tamer learning French just so that he can do a stand-up show in French, which is pretty great.

[00:04:18]And because all these stories are happening right now and I want to share them and they're in real time, we're changing the format.

[00:04:23]We're not doing the 6-month hold on it we were doing for Patreon.

[00:04:28]So we're going to figure out what the Patreon perks look like for my patrons.

[00:04:31]Yeah, we had to get that running as quickly as we could, so I only really got a week off.

[00:04:35]And I've realized maybe I'm becoming really French, but honestly, a week of vacation is not enough.

[00:04:40]I started to finally come down from the emotional crash and was ready to properly rest, and I had to get back to work.

[00:04:47]So that's where I'm at today.

[00:04:48]But I was really struggling with the frustration, and I talked to my therapist about this yesterday, and I have a few things to share with you.

[00:04:57]But I think the main thing is what my therapist was sharing with me was very, very helpful, which was that I'm feeling stuck because I feel like I've been in Paris for 10 years, I'm 40 years old, I'm still single and living in a tiny apartment.

[00:05:10]A tiny apartment for which I am very grateful.

[00:05:13]I'm so great. I mean, eternally grateful.

[00:05:15]But it is time to move.

[00:05:16]And I think that especially with the gut punch of the atelier and then the tax bill and everything else that came after that, it just feels like no matter how hard I work, I find myself in the same place.

[00:05:26]And she did a good job of drawing me out of it and being like, yeah, but you're in that small apartment because you've made certain decisions.

[00:05:31]To be in that small apartment.

[00:05:33]You have chosen to invest in your business.

[00:05:35]You've chosen to invest in your team rather than getting a space, rather than increasing your own personal expenses.

[00:05:41]You put it all into this business, which is very true, and I have successfully built some stuff, but I just don't feel like a success a lot of the time, especially in moments like that, which is why I'm grateful that the paid partner for today's video is BetterHelp.

[00:05:54]They've been supporting my channel for a long time now, and talk therapy has been very, very helpful for me.

[00:05:59]My therapist, I've known her now for, like, what, 6 years?

[00:06:02]And I'm a huge advocate for it across the board.

[00:06:04]I know talk therapy is not for everybody, but it is one of those things that I would want to be available to everybody.

[00:06:10]And I think we all deserve a little bit of a chat once in a while, if not years, years and years of it, as I have needed it.

[00:06:16]And BetterHelp makes it really easy by offering access to a myriad of providers around the world, which means time zones aren't really a problem.

[00:06:23]And it also means that if you are in need of hopping from one provider to the other, they don't penalize that.

[00:06:28]One of the big struggles so many people in my life have had in finding their therapist has been the fact that it's really hard to find one on the first try, and it's a lot of work to make phone calls, appointments, all that. BetterHelp makes it easy.

[00:06:40]You can talk to them via text, call, on video call, and again, time zones aren't a problem.

[00:06:45]So if you're looking to give it a try for the first time, or you're just looking for a new provider, use my link betterhelp.com/jayswanson and you'll get 10% off your first month of therapy through BetterHelp.

[00:06:56]Thanks to them for supporting my channel, and thanks to my therapist for supporting me. And to my sister.

[00:07:01]The thing that my sister said that was very helpful that ties directly into this whole thing is that I have success dysmorphia, which I think is true to a degree, but it's also tied to the fact that I don't know what a healthy bar for success even is.

[00:07:16]What does it mean to have enough?

[00:07:17]What does it mean to make it? Where are we going?

[00:07:19]And especially because the things that I want to build in life, are pretty big, and I have, I have some grand ambitions.

[00:07:25]I see a long road in front of me that's never going to stop.

[00:07:29]And so I have a hard time seeing myself as a success, especially when I still find myself in this tiny apartment.

[00:07:35]And I mean, I'm not alone. I have great friends.

[00:07:37]My sister also did a great job of highlighting that I'm not even interested in dating.

[00:07:41]I haven't been for a while.

[00:07:42]I'm more interested in investing in the relationships that I already have and spending time with my friends.

[00:07:47]And I have so much to do with the business.

[00:07:50]It's really easy to say how you could get your head stuck in all of that and, and then every once in a while come up for air and feel like you're stuck.

[00:07:56]This isn't the initial question, the real questions that I have for you, but one of the questions that I could have is like, what, how do you measure success and how do you decide whether or not you are one?

[00:08:07]I don't think it's like an end goal target.

[00:08:09]I think success is a thing that you experience for a period of time and in different ways measures itself. Et cetera.

[00:08:15]But I think I have a hard time allowing myself to feel that way because of my religious upbringing, the way that my parents treated it, and my expectation that as soon as I'm like, yeah, I'm doing great, that something's going to hit me, the other foot will drop.

[00:08:27]But also, a lot of it comes down to exhaustion.

[00:08:29]Like, I really worked hard for the last 8 months on the vlogging daily, editing the book, getting all of that ready.

[00:08:34]So much of it was in service of the book and trying to push it.

[00:08:37]It means that I have neglected Paris in My Pocket a little bit.

[00:08:40]It means that I have neglected Patreon a little bit.

[00:08:42]Although I think with the vlog Patreon, we had a really good time with these poles, like today, having a fun, fun run of it.

[00:08:49]I'll still be doing the photos, the prints and all that.

[00:08:51]I think there's still a lot of fun to have with it, but there's just a lot going on all at once.

[00:08:56]And Mollie pushed back on the way that I was viewing things a little bit as we're getting back into the podcast where I was like, once we get the systems in place, once this is running, then we'll have some more space on the other side.

[00:09:07]But the reality is I'm always going to fill whatever space I find with the next thing.

[00:09:11]Like, I'm always building.

[00:09:12]I'm building some stuff I haven't talked about publicly yet right now.

[00:09:16]I'm always, like, running after the new idea as we build the one that's right in front of us.

[00:09:22]And that's fine.

[00:09:23]That's never going to change because I do finish the stuff that I'm working on right now, right?

[00:09:28]Like, I'm not somebody who starts something and doesn't finish it.

[00:09:31]But it does mean that I flirt with burnout frequently.

[00:09:33]And I've gotten much better about dealing with my stress.

[00:09:35]I have gotten much better listening to my body and knowing when the burnout is coming, making adjustments, and avoiding it.

[00:09:42]But now the question is, how do I maintain that over the long haul?

[00:09:46]How do I build some life?

[00:09:47]This is when, like, maybe having a girlfriend would probably be good for me.

[00:09:50]Like, building a life with someone outside of work, probably pretty healthy.

[00:09:53]I do that some with my friends right now, but that— the friendship side and whatever relationship side circles us back to having space and wishing that I had my own space where I could host in a part of town where my friends naturally are going to go.

[00:10:06]Even if I was still on the 16th, I need a lot more space to bring people over, and I don't have that.

[00:10:10]And that's fine.

[00:10:13]But all of that to say, I think this is a season of doubling down on where I'm at, like pushing forward, because I do think we're this close to cracking this nut.

[00:10:21]And hopefully in the next 6 months to a year, finding myself that atelier that works for me as a place that I can totally not live and convert that into the podcast studio that we are very rapidly going to need. For the stuff that we're putting together.

[00:10:34]Overall, I'm doing well.

[00:10:35]There's definitely been some struggle in here.

[00:10:37]I was very frustrated this morning just with the amount of stuff I have to do.

[00:10:41]We had a lot of fun yesterday filming these podcasts.

[00:10:43]I'm very grateful to Backmarket, who we're going to get to know them better over time.

[00:10:47]They're doing a lot of really interesting stuff, and I'm very excited to partner with them on the podcast, vlogs, whatever.

[00:10:53]But like, I'm just so grateful to be where I am, and I think it's a really important thing to take stock of the success that I've already had, even though I don't allow myself to think of myself as a success, to be grateful for the team that I have, for the fun and cool things that we've built and the things that we are building.

[00:11:11]And that is why both my therapist, but also my sister and my friends have been so helpful in this.

[00:11:17]My sister especially, she just had a couple of really nice things to say about how she's proud of me and how I am building really cool stuff and how she's excited to see where it goes.

[00:11:26]And there's something about hearing that that really helped me the other day.

[00:11:28]Really helped me to snap out of the funk I was in.

[00:11:31]And so now as I try to catch up, I've got a few videos that are behind that I need to get out.

[00:11:37]So those will be coming soon.

[00:11:38]So you know that I'm back on YouTube here for a minute.

[00:11:40]As we renew Garage Monologues, as we push with new podcasts, as we piece things together, I'm also just going to have a mind for— this is how I am.

[00:11:50]I love to be creative and do what I'm doing.

[00:11:52]I want to really want to build the next thing.

[00:11:56]My life is very full.

[00:11:58]There are certain elements that need to change.

[00:11:59]I'm dying for a change.

[00:12:02]That change is coming.

[00:12:04]I can make it to the finish line.

[00:12:06]And I hope that wherever you're at, if you're going through anything like this, if you're feeling stuck, if you have put a decade into something and it feels like you're not making nearly as much progress as you wish you had, my hope would be that in sharing this, you don't feel so alone, if nothing else.

[00:12:21]And I think it's really important that— oh, these are the questions.

[00:12:24]I think it's really important that as I continue, that this 10-year thing, the vlogging format is— I'll play with it, I'm sure.

[00:12:31]Like, the daily vlogging was too much.

[00:12:33]It was a 12 to 15-hour day every day, and I just didn't have time left over for anything a lot of the time.

[00:12:39]But I still want to pull that out from time to time because it's really fun.

[00:12:41]Are you interested in life in Paris?

[00:12:42]Are you interested in seeing the sights?

[00:12:45]What is it that you come for? What are you here for?

[00:12:47]Because I think a lot of the deal that I made has been just sharing life as I go, the ups and the downs, and leaving this record behind, hopefully inspiring or comforting somebody out there with my struggles.

[00:12:58]But I'm also open to seeing how things change.

[00:13:00]I think my vlog has always been experimental.

[00:13:01]It's gone through seasons of daily, weekly, biweekly.

[00:13:05]I've played around with it and made it— it's been so many different things, so I'll keep playing with it.

[00:13:09]But my hope is that we can continue to provide good travel advice through Paris in My Pocket, that we can give you an insight into life in Paris through business and comedy and all the different things that are going on here in the podcast.

[00:13:21]Lindsey and I are talking about starting a podcast as well.

[00:13:24]I'll tell you more about that in the future.

[00:13:25]So there are going to be different avenues to get different things.

[00:13:29]What is it that you come here for?

[00:13:30]If you know, if you have thoughts on it, feel free to share.

[00:13:34]If you don't care, you're just here for the ride, please tell me that as well.

[00:13:37]Actually, I'd love to hear just whatever you have.

[00:13:40]And I hope you don't mind that I was way too hot in my apartment and I was not happy with my attitude in that video.

[00:13:44]So it's very much a garage monologue in that I it.

[00:13:46]And then I was like, I'm not even going to watch this again.

[00:13:48]I'm just going to go do this a second time somewhere a little bit breezier.

[00:13:52]And I was imagining doing it with the church behind me, but the construction and the current angle of the sun meant that I would have been roasting and it just wasn't going to work.

[00:14:01]So thank you for watching.

[00:14:03]Thanks for being here for so much of this journey.

[00:14:05]There's a lot more to come. Like, it's not over.

[00:14:08]There's so much more. It's just a 10-year start, right?

[00:14:10]You work your butt off for 10 years in this field for sure, just so you can get started.

[00:14:15]And I'm excited to see where it takes us.

[00:14:17]As for me right now, I need to take myself to a coffee shop to do some work before we go to, like, a barista experience.

[00:14:25]Paris in My Pocket. It's a sponsored reel.

[00:14:27]And I think at this point, Paris in My Pocket has more sponsors than, like, my vlog does, which honestly is crazy.

[00:14:35]And I'm grateful for it, just like I'm grateful for you.

[00:14:37]Thanks for watching.