Never Let Your Girl Apologize | Clayton English | Stand Up Comedy

[00:00:00]Make some more noise, man. Make some more noise. Come >> [cheering] >> We in here.

[00:00:06]Everybody in here, Anaheim, okay?

[00:00:10]White people, make some noise. All right.

[00:00:13]All right.

[00:00:15]Black people, make some noise.

[00:00:17]>> [cheering] >> Okay? Okay. I thought it was don't tell us at first. I thought that's who they didn't tell.

[00:00:23]Who did they forget to tell? No, it's good. Shout out my Hispanic people. I don't like what's going on with the ICE situation at the airports and all that [ __ ] Shout out all my Mexican people.

[00:00:33]That's [ __ ] up. I be trying to help my Mexican people.

[00:00:37]I'm doing the underground railroad program. I live in Atlanta.

[00:00:41]I take them to black barber shops and and get them fades and give them durags.

[00:00:46]Give them some wave grease. I say, "See if you can get some waves. You not Juan, you the one. Okay?" If they call you Juan, don't look.

[00:01:00]>> [cheering] >> No, man. [screaming] Hey, man. I rock with the Mexican people, man.

[00:01:06]What would LA be without Mexicans?

[00:01:11]Nobody want no beef Wellington from a food truck. What is that?

[00:01:15]>> [laughter] >> They selling quiche? It's 2:00 in the morning. Nobody want that.

[00:01:19]>> [laughter] >> No, it's look. All right. Listen. All right.

[00:01:27]I'm just saying, white people is See, y'all y'all lost the plot, man.

[00:01:30]Somewhere along the way, y'all lost Y'all forgot who you were.

[00:01:35]Y'all used to be cool in your own way.

[00:01:38]Now you just take black people phrases and [ __ ] them up for everybody.

[00:01:45]Y'all used to have your own lingo, your own slang. Now y'all just take our [ __ ] Woke is done. Y'all done burnt woke the [ __ ] out.

[00:01:52]Woke don't even mean what it meant. For black people, it meant stay alert, pay attention to what's going on.

[00:01:58]Y'all done turned it into meaning superheroes not supposed to have titties if they didn't have titties in the comic. [laughter] What the [ __ ] ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[00:02:06]IS THAT WHAT IT MEANS?

[00:02:12]THEY TOOK [ __ ] AROUND AND FIND OUT.

[00:02:14]THE military He didn't even say it right.

[00:02:17]And for those out there who want to try FAFO. [ __ ] FAFO. That's not how it works.

[00:02:25]If you take the [ __ ] out, it's lost all its power.

[00:02:30]What happened to y'all's phrases, man?

[00:02:35]Y'all That's when the economy was the best when when white dudes had slick [ __ ] to say all the time.

[00:02:42]You would work and they know how to do something you don't know how to do and you Oh, do it like that.

[00:02:47]>> [clears throat] >> You think?

[00:02:49]>> [laughter] >> What are you, SOME KIND OF [ __ ] DILLWEED? Remember when y'all used to Remember?

[00:02:55]YOU FORGOT WHO YOU ARE.

[00:02:58]UH, no [ __ ] Sherlock. Remember that?

[00:03:01]Remember?

[00:03:02]>> [laughter] >> Remember? This y'all Lion King moment.

[00:03:05]Remember who you are.

[00:03:08]Shut up.

[00:03:10]Go back to y'all's phrases.

[00:03:13]Black people just make [ __ ] sound better. It just sound cooler. We'll say some [ __ ] wrong and it'll still sound better.

[00:03:19]>> [laughter] >> Black people Sometimes it's not even a change of words. It just have we say it. If black people say some [ __ ] twice, that means is that much more serious.

[00:03:32]>> [laughter] >> Like if they be like, "Hey, don't go down to the south side for real for real."

[00:03:36]>> [laughter] >> That other for real means death. Don't go down there.

[00:03:44]If we doubling up, we not doing it.

[00:03:46]>> [laughter] >> No black person is going out if it's raining raining. What are you talking about? It's raining raining.

[00:03:53]>> [laughter] >> I thought it was just raining. No, it's raining raining.

[00:03:59]>> [laughter] >> Snowing snowing? That's a blizzard. What are you talking about? No, nobody can go anywhere if it's snowing snowing.

[00:04:06]>> [laughter] >> This what the [ __ ] we do, man.

[00:04:14]Y'all, we just make [ __ ] sound better we leaving. We got so many different ways to say it.

[00:04:19]Just cool, man.

[00:04:21]About to slide.

[00:04:23]About to bounce.

[00:04:25]Man, I guess I'm about to hit it.

[00:04:28]I'm out this [ __ ] White people, go back to y'all [ __ ] Y'all don't sound cool using our [ __ ] Go back.

[00:04:36]White dudes be getting ready to leave. I guess it's time to skirt skirt. Stop doing that.

[00:04:40]Yeah, man.

[00:04:42]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> Stop doing that. Go back to what y'all used to do.

[00:04:52]>> [laughter] >> Skedaddle. I don't know.

[00:04:58]Put the pedal to the metal. Go, dude. Do what you used to do.

[00:05:10]>> [laughter] >> I'm tired of this [ __ ] man.

[00:05:13]Now, we got to kick it. I like it.

[00:05:16]I don't know. Back out here in LA, this [ __ ] I lived out here for a little bit.

[00:05:20]It made me a worse person, just It did. It did. It did. I used to help homeless people. Then I moved out here.

[00:05:28]>> [laughter] >> And I was like, [ __ ] that. He got more square feet than I do.

[00:05:32]He don't pay nothing.

[00:05:35]>> [laughter] >> This is the only place I seen where homeless people get to build their little structure. He got a whole balcony. I'm like, damn.

[00:05:42]>> [laughter] >> This where you see homeless people with dogs. I don't think that's right.

[00:05:48]Can't have no dog. Not on a leash.

[00:05:52]You got to let him choose.

[00:05:54]>> [laughter] >> You know the homeless people with the dog that's not on a leash, the dog just right there, that's his dog.

[00:06:03]If they got him on a leash, no. Take him off the leash.

[00:06:06]>> [laughter] >> If he stays here, that's your dog.

[00:06:13]>> [laughter] >> If he runs off, we know you took him and you didn't been dragging him along with your bad decisions. Stop it.

[00:06:19]>> [laughter] >> Let him have a opportunity to be who he want to be.

[00:06:25]Cuz the homeless person look dirty, the dog look clean. I'm like, that dog could get a job. That's a That's a purebred German Shepherd. You need to take him to the airport, let him work a few hours.

[00:06:36]>> [laughter] >> Bring you home a treat every night.

[00:06:41]And you going to have him on a leash?

[00:06:43]That dog don't know he homeless.

[00:06:46]He think he on the longest walk ever.

[00:06:50]>> [laughter] >> He think every corner going to be the house. Just >> [laughter] >> You're never going to make it. HE KEEPS TAKING NAPS.

[00:07:03]>> [laughter] >> ALL RIGHT.

[00:07:06]ABOUT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

[00:07:07]>> [laughter] >> Y'ALL TOGETHER?

[00:07:09]Y'all dating? Or y'all dating dating?

[00:07:15]Y'all married together? Huh? You engaged? Oh, so y'all [ __ ] [ __ ] OKAY.

[00:07:22]YEAH. Raw dog. No, I'm just playing. I'm just >> [laughter] >> No.

[00:07:30]Let her win. Let her win all the arguments. You can't You can't beat your girl at arguing.

[00:07:34]You can't.

[00:07:36]You can't. My girl doesn't even use words the way they meant to be used.

[00:07:40]>> [laughter] >> I asked her, "Hey, did you forget what I said about taking our son to the park?"

[00:07:46]I didn't forget. I just remembered right now. I was [laughter] like, This [ __ ] confused me. I was like, what?

[00:07:55]I had to Google what is remember.

[00:07:58]Is misremembering a thing?

[00:08:02]>> [laughter] >> You ever gotten an apology from your girl? That's the worst [ __ ] in the world.

[00:08:07]>> [laughter] >> Your girl apologize and you get madder.

[00:08:12]>> [laughter] >> Because they never apologize for what they did.

[00:08:18]>> [laughter] >> Their apology is [ __ ] up.

[00:08:22]And they know it's [ __ ] up.

[00:08:23]They deliver it [ __ ] up. You can tell by their posture, how they move their head, everything. [laughter] I'm sorry if what I said made you [laughter] feel like I wasn't paying attention. I didn't realize you were a [ __ ] You like, "Hey, ma'am, turn your head back right.

[00:08:45]First of all, >> [laughter] >> all right.

[00:08:53]No, I like it.

[00:08:55]>> [laughter] >> And women, y'all stop If you got a man that loves you, just go with what he says. Believe him. If he's showing you that, believe him. Don't make him jump through no extra hoops. Just believe him if he's showing you that. Okay? Stop doing that stuff. That's all he wanted some [ __ ] That's all you care about is some [ __ ] That's all men want is some [ __ ] That's crazy.

[00:09:15]Nobody just wants some [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> We want everything that come with the [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> We like your face, your lips, your body, everything that come with the [ __ ] Have you ever seen just A [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> EW.

[00:09:38]EW.

[00:09:40]WHAT KIND OF SEA CREATURE is this? A [ __ ] Off-the-bone [ __ ] is wild. That is crazy. That scares anyone. If you went home tonight and you went in your kitchen and it was just a [ __ ] sitting on the kitchen counter. EVERYBODY IN HERE YOU WOULD CALL ANIMAL CONTROL. I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT IN. I don't know.

[00:09:59]>> [laughter] >> Nobody want just the [ __ ] Ew.

[00:10:07]That's disgusting.

[00:10:09]>> [laughter] >> But that's not how y'all feel about us.

[00:10:15]Ladies, y'all don't care about us.

[00:10:17]Y'all just want the dick.

[00:10:18]>> [laughter] >> Separate us from the dick every chance you get.

[00:10:23]Birthday parties, bachelor parties. You can't get head at the house, but she drinking out of dick straws.

[00:10:29]>> [laughter] >> She just hired a lady to play the dick flute when you come in. What kind of [ __ ] is this?

[00:10:35]They eating dick cake. Ew.

[00:10:37]>> [laughter] >> We don't do no [ __ ] like that.

[00:10:42]It's your homeboy birthday party.

[00:10:43]Everybody hide and when he come out they pop out blowing on CLIP WHISTLES.

[00:10:47]YEAH.

[00:10:49]YEAH.

[00:10:50]>> [laughter] >> GET YOU SOME OF THE [ __ ] PIE. SCRAPE THE hair off. You don't want no hair on here.

[00:10:54]Get a little coochie cupcake. Stick your finger in there. Mm, that's good.

[00:10:58]>> [laughter] >> Take him to the back so he can beat up the [ __ ] pinata. Ew.

[00:11:01]Nobody does that, man. Look, hey man, y'all been amazing. I've been Clayton English.

[00:11:06]Go to jail. Thank y'all.

[00:11:08]>> [music]